IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving happiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with happiness. Discuss both views. and give your opinion.

#people #money #factor #happiness
It is often said that if you want to be happy in
life
, have to earn a myriad of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
.
Hence
, there are certain folks who claim that without
money
 no
one
 could live their
life
 free of tension that
considered
Add a missing verb
is considered
show examples
 as being happy.
Whereas
, the rest of the individuals think that wealth does not have to do with happiness.
Firstly
,
this
 essay will discuss why
people
 think that
money
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 must for a happy
life
 and
secondly
, why others think that it is
ok to
Correct word choice
okay
show examples
 not to have
money
.
Nonetheless
, In my opinion, we do need
money
 to survive, but
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
depends on the person's thinking or beliefs that how he or she looks at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
things. On the
one
 hand, with
money
 individual is able to get almost all the needed materials in
life
such
 as an excellent quality house,
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 car and so on. For some
people
, if you have
this
 you
considered
Add a missing verb
are considered
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a happy person.
For instance
,
according to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
INDIA's wealthy
people
, 70% of the
people
 desire to have
money
 to fulfil their daily requirements as without wealth they could not get.
On the other hand
, with
money
,
one
 is unable to get a loving family, because
real
Correct article usage
a real
show examples
 family is the
one
 who
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
 you during all the ups and downs together and never leaves you alone.
This
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
can not
achieve
Wrong verb form
be achieved
show examples
 by just having
money
.
For example
,
according to
 the psychology department of the UK research, 60% of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
happy who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
caring and supportive parents and family members like siblings,
grandparents
Correct word choice
and grandparents
show examples
. In conclusion,
money
However
 provides an opportunity to obtain a luxurious and
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
life
, but happiness comes when individuals feel satisfied with what they have. Owning to the fact that no
money
Add a verb
money is
money was
show examples
 able to get you
Add the particle
to stress
show examples
stress free
Add a hyphen
stress-free
show examples
life
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
only comes with a mature understanding of
life
.
Submitted by drsefalipatel on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt but lacks clear and developed arguments. Focus on providing stronger and more balanced arguments for each view.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Ensure that the structure clearly introduces the topic and summarizes the main points.

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