IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

#people #life #money
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A great number of people are working for long hours,
thus
Linking Words
 having barely any
time
Use synonyms
 for leisure interests. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 situation brings about more disadvantages for both the individual and the
society
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, working for long duration and not having enough
time
Use synonyms
 for physical activities or hobbies can lead people to be victims of numerous hazardous health issues. It is of no doubt that in the pursuit of money and career goals
one
Use synonyms
 will definitely neglect
one
Use synonyms
’s health.
For example
Linking Words
, those whose jobs require them to sit glued to their computer screen might become obese in the long run.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, starring at the screen for long hours can entail different types of eye diseases
such
Linking Words
 as eye strain and blurry vision.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is an undeniable fact that
one
Use synonyms
 will most probably suffer from mental illnesses like stress and depression if
one
Use synonyms
 does not dedicate a certain amount of
time
Use synonyms
 for practicing leisure activities, be it indoors or outdoors. Working overtime has a negative impact on the
society
Use synonyms
 as well. It is true that when people living in the same area engage in a / practice a common activity, ties between them are reinforced,
thus
Linking Words
 leaving room for socialisation and making friends.
Therefore
Linking Words
, having little
time
Use synonyms
 devoted
for
Suggestion
to
 hobbies and interests can somehow jeopardize
one
Use synonyms
’s relationship with the
society
Use synonyms
. Sometimes,
one
Use synonyms
 needs to get out of
one
Use synonyms
’s circle, befriend new people with whom
one
Use synonyms
 can share
one
Use synonyms
’s happiness and sorrow. So as mentioned earlier, I believe that people must strike a balance between their professional and personal lives to avoid being victims of various health issues and to create and live in a better
society
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by jacobtianhy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: