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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in London, 2000-2010.

The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in London, 2000-2010.
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The graph illustrates
yearly
Correct article usage
the yearly
show examples
 income of three different bakeries in London between 2000 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is obvious that changes in the amount of Sofia and
cake
Use synonyms
lab
Use synonyms
 showed upward trends, simultaneously bakery-Buns represented completely vice verse trend.
According to
Linking Words
 the picture Sofia stayed
a
Change preposition
at a
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steady level
about
Change preposition
of about
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 100 over the course of 5 years,
while
Linking Words
cake
Use synonyms
lab
Use synonyms
have
Change the verb form
has
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 already presented a sharp increase from 20 to 40 during these years.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
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 in 2005
cake
Use synonyms
lab
Use synonyms
 presented plateau trends till the end of
the
Change the article
apply
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2008.
In addition
Linking Words
, at the same
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 Sofia significantly increased
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 200.The consumption of both bakeries rockets their levels: Safia (200),
Use synonyms
cake
Correct word choice
and cake
show examples
lab
Use synonyms
 (100) towards the end of the year.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Buns were a little bit
non fruitful
Add a hyphen
non-fruitful
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 business for a decade.It showed
Correct article usage
a noticeably
show examples
noticeably
Change the word
noticeable
show examples
 decrease
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 150-30
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year.
Although
Linking Words
 even it was shown
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 highest point at the beginning
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 2000-2002 about 150-200,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
finally
Linking Words
 it had been detected that its consumers denied
to buy
Change the verb form
buying
show examples
Linking Words
this products
Change the determiner
this product
these products
show examples
 for the rest of the year in it was falling about 30.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words cake, lab with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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