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Band 4.5

The chart below shows the destination of students graduated from physics courses and Art & Design courses in a European country in 2017.

The chart below shows the destination of students graduated from physics courses and Art & Design courses in a European country in 2017.
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This
Linking Words
 graph shows
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2017 the destination of
students
Use synonyms
graduated
Correct pronoun usage
who graduated
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 from
physics
Use synonyms
 courses and
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
 courses in a European country. In the subject of
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
, most of the
students
Use synonyms
'
destination
Fix the agreement mistake
destinations
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 are
employment
Replace the word
employed
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 which
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 percentage
almost
Change preposition
of almost
show examples
 arrived 70. But in
Physics
Use synonyms
, employment was not the only option for most of them,
also
Linking Words
 a large part of them choose to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
further
Linking Words
 study. As we can see that the number of
students
Use synonyms
 in
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
 who choose
further
Linking Words
 study and working and studying was the least, both of them were about 8%.
Then
Linking Words
 the percentage of unemployed and others were close. In
Physics
Use synonyms
, the percentage of another three
destination
Change to a plural noun
destinations
show examples
 were approximate. In summary, we can know
whatever
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 in
Physics
Use synonyms
 or
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
, employment was the most of the graduated
students
Use synonyms
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to choose.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 85%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, physics, art, design with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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