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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the destination of students graduated from physics courses and Art & Design courses in a European country in 2017.

The chart below shows the destination of students graduated from physics courses and Art & Design courses in a European country in 2017.
#destination #students #physics #courses #art #design #european #country
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This
Linking Words
 graph shows
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2017 the destination of
students
Use synonyms
graduated
Correct pronoun usage
who graduated
show examples
 from
physics
Use synonyms
 courses and
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
 courses in a European country. In the subject of
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
, most of the
students
Use synonyms
'
destination
Fix the agreement mistake
destinations
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 are
employment
Replace the word
employed
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 which
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 percentage
almost
Change preposition
of almost
show examples
 arrived 70. But in
Physics
Use synonyms
, employment was not the only option for most of them,
also
Linking Words
 a large part of them choose to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
further
Linking Words
 study. As we can see that the number of
students
Use synonyms
 in
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
 who choose
further
Linking Words
 study and working and studying was the least, both of them were about 8%.
Then
Linking Words
 the percentage of unemployed and others were close. In
Physics
Use synonyms
, the percentage of another three
destination
Change to a plural noun
destinations
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 were approximate. In summary, we can know
whatever
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 in
Physics
Use synonyms
 or
Art
Use synonyms
 &
Design
Use synonyms
, employment was the most of the graduated
students
Use synonyms
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 to choose.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 85%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, physics, art, design with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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