IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #lifestyle #illness #treatment
It is believed by some that the government should allocate more resources into encouraging people to adopt a healthy
lifestyle
 than into
treatment
 for people with illnesses. In my opinion,
although
 I think that raising health awareness in public would bring great benefits, I disagree that it is more important than finding
treatment
 for those in need. On the one hand, the country
in which promotes a
Suggestion
which promotes a
 healthy
lifestyle
 could see
an
Suggestion
a
 dramatic increase in the number of wholesome citizens who are both mentally and physically healthy.
For example
, people in the area where their local authorities spend money to invest in free gym facilities tend to
do
engage in
make
 exercise more
therefore
 stay away from the sedentary
lifestyle
. As a
results
Suggestion
result
, they would be more productive in their job, which greatly contributes to the
prosper
Suggestion
prosperity
 of a nation.
This
 could
also
 reduce the stress on the
healthcare
Suggestion
health care
 systems as less people have diseases
such
 as diabetes which stem from an unhealthy
lifestyle
.
On the other hand
, I strongly believe that the authorities should
also
 provide adequate subsidies for
treatment
 of people who are already have diseases.
First
 of all, they have the right to receive proper
healthcare
Suggestion
health care
 as they
also
 contribute to the state revenue through their taxes. If a person has worked hard in all his life, he should be given some help from the government when he is sick.
Moreover
, from the ethical perspective, it would be
unhumane
lacking and reflecting lack of pity or compassion
inhumane
inhuman
 to ignore ill people, especially to whom suffer from life-threatening situations. In conclusion, it is necessary to encourage people to follow a healthy
lifestyle
, but it is by no means ignoring those who in desperate need for
treatment
.

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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