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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play old traditional games. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences children in a good or bad way?

#children #computer #games #hours #influences
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Technology is influencing all the areas of life and entertainment is not an exception. Today's
children
 are always found busy playing
games
 on computers, which is not a very positive development. There are certain factors that prompt
children
 to play these
games
.
First,
computer
games
 are rich in graphics and have excellent background music.
Thus
, they are visually more appealing and more entertaining as well.
Secondly
, the lifelike graphical presentation on
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
 helps
children
in having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 feeling when they play
games
.
Finally
, most parents nowadays are working and
thus
, they avoid sending their
children
 to playgrounds because they think
children
 are not safe if they spend too much time away from home.
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, parents keep motivating their
children
 to engage in some gaming activities at home.
This
 development affects the physical and mental health of
children
.Let's consider the health problems first.
Children
 spend too much time sitting at the gaming console.
This
 can create potential problems in their back muscles and eyes.
Furthermore
, most
children
also
 eat junk food
while
 playing
games
 and their eating patterns become erratic and they often become victims of indigestion.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
 a consequence,
this
 can lead to problems of obesity and
Add a missing verb
being over-weight
show examples
over-weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
.
In addition
, now
lets
Replace the word
let's
let us
show examples
 analyse mental implications. Playing computer
games
 over a long period of time hinders
psychological
Correct article usage
the psychological
show examples
 development of
children
. What is more, some
games
 may contain explicit or violent content which can cause psychotic disorders in their tender times.
Finally
, playing a game alone
also
 inhibits social interaction, which can result in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of relevant skills
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Conclusively, even though, the condition often obliges parents to permit their
children
 to play
games
 on screen. I firmly believe that excessive exposure to computer
games
 is indeed harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
children
.
Submitted by krinapatel369.kp5 on

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task achievement
Consider adding a more balanced view by acknowledging any potential positive effects of playing computer games, even briefly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a smooth transition between the discussion of physical and mental health impacts to enhance overall cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Consider using a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more effectively within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, covering both reasons for the shift to computer games and its influences.
task achievement
Clear main ideas are presented and supported with relevant examples, such as the mention of graphics and parental influence.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets the context well, and the conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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