IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on subject such as information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many people think that
students
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 need to concentrate on practical
subjects
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such
Linking Words
 as information technology to prepare for
a
Correct article usage
the
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 modern world.
Therefore
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,
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 should put more stress on these
subjects
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 and remove
art
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 and
music
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out of
Change preposition
from
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 the syllabus.
While
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 I agree that practical
subjects
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 should be emphasized, I believe
art
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 and
music
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 still play an important role. On the one hand, I agree that practical
subjects
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 need to be focused on because they prepare
students
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 for their future
career
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careers
show examples
.
For instance
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, information technology is the basis for many jobs in the modern world
such
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 as accountant or office worker. Some other jobs in economics and related
field
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fields
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also
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 require maths, physics and certain theoretical
subjects
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. Without the knowledge of these
subjects
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, it will be difficult for
students
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 to work efficiently in their jobs.
On the other hand
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, I would argue that
although
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students
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 don’t need
art
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 and
music
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 in their future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
, these
subjects
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 still have certain benefits as they can bring happiness to one’s life.
For instance
Linking Words
, studies have shown that classical
music
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 can make people feel more relaxed and avoid negative feelings. Another case is that creating
art
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 like drawing or painting a picture can give you an absolutely rewarding
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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sense of happiness. That’s why arts are
also
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 important and should not be ignored. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 I agree that it is good to help children
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
focus on theoretical
subjects
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, arts should not be cut out of the syllabus since they can make people happy and satisfied.

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relevant specific examples
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments further. For example, mention specific jobs or industries that heavily rely on information technology.
logical structure
Ensure smooth transitions between ideas for better flow. Consider using more linking words or phrases to enhance coherence.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy for the reader to understand the writer's position.
complete response
The response clearly addresses all parts of the task, discussing both the importance of practical subjects and the role of art and music.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented are generally clear and comprehensible, and the main points are adequately supported with reasoning.
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