IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #world
It is a fact that people are highly exposed to violent scenes in films, which is deemed to have adverse impacts on the public. From my point of view,
such
 exposure could foster the social evil,
therefore
 it is necessary for governments to implement the regulations to control it.
Firstly
, the high levels of violence in movies have wrought severe damage to the community owing to the fact that the viewers could imitate the actions which they watched. Sometimes, violence brings novel feelings,
therefore
 people could be lured by them
.T
Accept space
.
o illustrate
this
 case, recent research has shown that 25% of criminals in Vietnam when interviewed said that the killing scenes in movies inspired them to infringe the laws.
Besides
, many children indicate that they suffered severe depression because they were obsessed with
such
 scenes and those make them afraid of people around. While these complications are seemingly insurmountable, I believe that the governments could adopt some resolutions to mitigate them.
Firstly
, the authorities could tax
such
 films to reduce their popularity in the market.
Moreover
, indeed, there is an effective system to monitor the scenes which will be presented in movies and the violent ones should be cut.
Lastly
, schools must raise students’ awareness about the negative impacts of these films as well as creating n
ew friendly environment
Suggestion
a new friendly environment
new friendly environments
for children to release the stress.
S
ubsequently all
Accept comma addition
Subsequently, all
the aforementioned, I reach a conclusion that violent films cause many problems for both individual and society,
nonetheless
, the government could take steps to untangle them.

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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