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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the number of children aged 15 and younger are increasing dramatically. what are the current and future effects of an ever-increasing population?

#countries #children #future #effects #population
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Todays
Fix the agreement mistake
Today
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,
most
Change preposition
in most
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 countries proportion of teenagers
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 dramatic growth.
this
 phenomenon will undoubtedly have some short-term impacts on education.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 serious problems
arisen
Change the form of the verb
arise
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as a result
 of
this
 in the future, steps can be taken to mitigate these potential problems.
To begin
 with,
in
Change preposition
at
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 present increasing the number of under 15 fifteen years children,
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
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 to
develop
Replace the word
development
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educational
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of educational
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 infrastructure like teachers, schools and other facilities.
This
 means,
the
Correct your spelling
that
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 governments should spend a huge part of the public budget for tackling
this
 issue. So, the level of lifestyle will fall and the rate of taxes will increase.
Moreover
, the number of schools
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 limited and parents find it difficult to register their children in the class.
Besides
,
as a result
 of
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
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children
Correct quantifier usage
number of children
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 in families, some of them will deprived of
from
Change preposition
apply
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education and have to work from an early age. Considering the future effects of
this
 trend, undoubtedly
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to unemployment and social obstacles.
Firstly
, most
of
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apply
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youngsters who are ready to
absorb
Wrong verb form
be absorbed
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by
Change preposition
into
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workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
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 cannot find a career and
encourage
Wrong verb form
are encouraged
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 to commit crimes.
Finding
Add an article
The finding
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 shows the rate of crimes in countries which have more job seekers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 higher compared with others.
In addition
, in
this
 situation, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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young people tend to immigrate
to
Change preposition
apply
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abroad and it is a threat to the economy because after a
while
 source country
face
Correct subject-verb agreement
faces
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
the
Correct article usage
a
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 labour pool. In conclusion,
elevation
Correct article usage
an elevation
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 in the number
youngsters
Change preposition
of youngsters
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 may lead to some hardships in present and in the long run.
This
 threat can be changed into an opportunity by allocating enough resources to education and instructions.

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task achievement
Ensure you use punctuation correctly within sentences, and clarify any ambiguous points.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases more effectively to improve flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both current and future effects of an increasing population of young children.
coherence cohesion
The essay starts with an introduction and ends with a conclusion, showing an effort to structure the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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