IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society ?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It's true that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents'd
Verb problem
parents would
show examples
 rather their
children
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
studying and cut down
free
Change preposition
on free
show examples
time
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I accept that
this
Linking Words
 statement offers lots of benefits, I believe that it
also
Linking Words
 has several drawbacks. On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why studying both in and after school is positive for
children
Use synonyms
. First of all, knowledge is very valuable, so studying for a long
time
Use synonyms
 will help
children
Use synonyms
 grow up better.
For instance
Linking Words
, acquiring knowledge about some subjects at school
such
Linking Words
 as Sciences, Arts and especially English can bring more good opportunities to their future career. The next reason is that spending less free
time
Use synonyms
 means
children
Use synonyms
 can be restricted to overuse the Internet, which has detrimental
implication
Fix the agreement mistake
implications
show examples
 on their physical and mental health. On the Internet, some violent and bad news can distort their way of thinking about families, friends and society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, paralleling with these conducive effects, learning too much without enough relaxing
also
Linking Words
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 juveniles badly.
Firstly
Linking Words
, having less free
time
Use synonyms
 can make them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
develop unequally. They may
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
soft
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 like communication
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 or have butterflies in their stomach when speaking publicly.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will find it difficult to adapt to the modern world.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, immersing themselves in studying may affect their feeling. In my high school, there was a girl killing herself
due to
Linking Words
lypemania
Correct your spelling
hypomania
 after being overwhelmed with learning all day long. In conclusion, after weighing the pros and cons, I would say that juveniles should devote their
time
Use synonyms
 to
expand
Wrong verb form
expanding
show examples
 their knowledge and chill out appropriately.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Your essay generally addresses the topic and presents both sides of the argument, but it could benefit from clearer organization. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is directly linked to your thesis statement.
task achievement
Some of your points could use further elaboration to strengthen your argument. Try to provide more specific examples or explanations for your claims.
grammar
There are a few grammar issues, such as "parents'd rather" which could be revised to "parents would rather". Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage.
argument structure
You presented a balanced view by discussing both the positive and negative effects of long study hours on children, which is a strong approach for this type of essay.
content
Your examples, such as the impact of the Internet on children's health, illustrate your points well and add depth to your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: