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Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What are the causes and how it could be solved?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #time #indoors
An increase in the number of children and adolescents spending most of their leisure time indoors occurs in many countries of the world each year.
This
 essay discusses the possible causes
for
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of
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this
 problem and measures that can be taken to tackle it.
To begin
, personally, I think that there are many contributions to
this
 issue.
However
, the most probable and plausible ones are the tendency to use a smartphone and a desire to play video games
in
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at
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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home
such
 as
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
 and
xbox
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Xbox
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.
The technology
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Technology
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 has developed remarkably
since
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in
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 the past few decades and
this
 has led to
the
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an
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 era where
the
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apply
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children and juveniles spend relatively more time on smartphones rather than
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on outdoors
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outdoors
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outdoor
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 activities. As a
teenager
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teenager,
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 I am
also
 prone to sit
entire
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an entire
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 day in a virtual life rather than in a face to face communication. Many of the teenies
also
 prefer playing video games in different sources of media. These two factors have resulted in a significant effect on the youngster's consciousness. Fortunately, I am convinced that there are too many options to solve
this
 tough question, but I will mention
about
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apply
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the two most appropriate
with
Correct word choice
apply
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the
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apply
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situation measures.
Firstly
, the volunteers should organize more events where the children move actively and gather together outdoors.
Secondly
,
the
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governments or different famous organizations should focus on
making
Verb problem
holding
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 international conferences where adolescents can work as volunteers to strengthen their communication skills or language use. It awakens the interest in
person
Add an article
the person
a person
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 to proceed working outdoors. If these two actions are held, I strongly believe that it will diminish the rate of staying at home. In conclusion, the main cause for
this
 issue is an interest in technology and the most suitable solution is organizing big events and volunteering programs.
Submitted by asiksep on

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task response
The essay adequately presents the causes and solutions to the issue of children spending more time indoors, but the development of the points and the use of examples need more thoroughness and clarity.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a fair level of coherence and cohesion, but there are instances where the logical progression of ideas could be improved to enhance the overall structure of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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