IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic people bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #mixture #people #country
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Culture is a vital key to show
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 racial customs and traditions of the
people
Use synonyms
. Nowadays,
global
Add an article
the global
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 world become a small village and multi-ethnic
people
Use synonyms
 live together in
one
Use synonyms
 city and I
am largely agreed
Change the verb form
have largely agreed
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 with
this
Linking Words
 point that it is more beneficial for any country.
However
Linking Words
, multiculturalism has some drawbacks
also
Linking Words
. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, first and foremost, if different traditions
people
Use synonyms
 live in a single society, they will learn about the new culture easily because they
are celebrated
Wrong verb form
celebrate
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 all festivals and function together. For instance,
one
Use synonyms
 research article shows that 80% of
people
Use synonyms
 who are living in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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different
ethnic are enjoyed
Wrong verb form
ethnicities enjoy
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 their life than
people
Use synonyms
 who are living in
single
Correct article usage
a single
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tradition
Replace the word
traditional
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 country.
Second
Add an article
The second
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 major positive side is that
people
Use synonyms
 learn different types of
language
Fix the agreement mistake
languages
show examples
 with each other and become
a
Correct article usage
apply
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multilingual
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 easily. In fact, it is very hard to learn more languages without living with their native
people
Use synonyms
,
as well as
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 when they visit
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 of the world, they do not face any language issues
as well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. To exemplify, in my
societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
 5 foreign
family
Change to a plural noun
families
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 live with us and they always help the students who find difficulties in the English language. So, in my
area
Add a comma
area,
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 most of the students speak English fluently.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
multi-ethnic
Correct article usage
a multi-ethnic
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 living country is always
blessing
Correct article usage
a blessing
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 for anyone.
However
Linking Words
, there is
one
Use synonyms
 demerit common in all multicultural countries is that racial
dispirity
Correct your spelling
disparity
. Like, in
the
Remove the article
apply
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some areas majority
tradition
Change preposition
of tradition
show examples
people
Use synonyms
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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underestimate the small group of other
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
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 and sometimes
it’s
Verb problem
it
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become
Wrong verb form
becomes
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 the reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 conflicts.
Such
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 as, in the USA always white
people
Use synonyms
discrimination
Replace the word
discriminated
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with
Change preposition
against
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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black
people
Use synonyms
 and ignored them.
Thus
Linking Words
, many
people
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 avoid
to live
Change the verb form
living
show examples
 in the multi
tradition
Replace the word
traditional
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
multi-ethnic has some disadvantages, I completely believe that it
gives
Verb problem
has
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 an immense positive influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by sejalddhaduk on

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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