IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say a person’s success in adult life is the result of the way they were brought up as a child by their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today's world, one of the best things that parents look forward
on
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to
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 doing is to raise their children in the best possible manner. Few pupils believe that an adult's victory in life is a direct result of how they were brought up by their parents when they were younger.
This
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 essay will argue why I completely disagree with the fact that accomplishment is a given post a good upbringing.
Firstly
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, every father has a certain goal for their offspring they themselves have set.
Moreover
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, every father tries to provide their infant with the best.
Furthermore
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, to safeguard their own interest and the adolescent's future, they raise the kid in a certain manner, making him/her more skewed to have a successful future.
For example
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, a family of successful
doctor's
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doctors
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 would skew the youth's interest towards medicinal studies and instill good values of care for their children to become a doctor when they grow up.
This
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 has bolstered the notion amongst
father's
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fathers
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 that they know the perfect recipe of prosperity.
However
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, prosperity is achieved and can't be treated as a giveaway. One's own personal struggle is what helps attain fame in life and not
good
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a good
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 upbringing.
Also
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, there is no specific age
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at that
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that
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which
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 one achieves prosperity as a guarantee,
For example
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, Steve Jobs was an orphan since the age of 3 and lived in the slums only to become a tech tycoon at the age of 41. A path pursued relentlessly is what gives advance
it's
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its
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 meaning over childhood. To summarize,
this
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 essay argued why I completely disagree that raising a toddler the right way gives guaranteed success.
Whereas
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, success is more man-made than a gift given by others. In my opinion,
that
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apply
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while
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 every parent
want's
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wants
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 their child to be successful, it's not just
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 upbringing that suffices leading to a bright future.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to provide a clearer distinction between your main points. You have some good ideas, but organizing them in a way that flows smoothly will improve coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing some sentences for clarity and conciseness. For instance, phrases like 'prosperity is achieved and can't be treated as a giveaway' could be streamlined for better readability.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant, but providing a broader range of examples could strengthen your argument. For instance, consider including other figures in addition to Steve Jobs to demonstrate your point.
task achievement
The essay clearly states the writer's position and offers a clear argument against the idea that upbringing guarantees success.
task achievement
You effectively use an example of Steve Jobs, which adds depth to your argument and makes it relatable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • upbringing
  • values
  • work ethic
  • interpersonal skills
  • educational opportunities
  • prioritize
  • emotional support
  • resilience
  • confidence
  • challenges
  • individual choices
  • external factors
  • personal motivation
  • societal influences
  • obstacles
  • determination
  • hard work
What to do next:
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