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Writing Samples
Band 4

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US

the chart below indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US
The given bar chart
demonstratea
Correct your spelling
demonstrate
demonstrates
demonstrate a
 data about how many people have attacks of heart in the US each year. At the first glance,
it is clear that
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 are
dominant
Correct quantifier usage
more dominant
show examples
 than women in
this
Linking Words
 illness. And most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
patients
Add an article
the patients
show examples
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
Add a missing verb
are victim
show examples
victim
Fix the agreement mistake
victims
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from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 disease include people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
over
Add a missing verb
are over
show examples
65years
Correct your spelling
65 years
olds
Correct your spelling
old
show examples
.
Initially
Linking Words
,we can see that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 illness appears in a few adults only. The
Use synonyms
men's
Change noun form
men
show examples
 quantity between 29 and 44ages oppressed
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 these attacks include 123
thousand
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 the women who
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
 these ages involve 3
thousand
Use synonyms
 only. So
this
Linking Words
 disaster
more
Add a missing verb
has more
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 effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 than women.
This
Linking Words
 year most of
residents
Add an article
the residents
show examples
 of
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from
Add a missing verb
are from
show examples
45to
Correct your spelling
45 to
 64 suffered from that more than younger ones.
Additionally
Linking Words
,the retired male
include
Change the verb form
includes
show examples
 424
thousand
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile,the account of females is small else,and they involve 136
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
patients who prey to heart attacks. The figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
next
Linking Words
 type of residents who
over
Add a missing verb
are over
show examples
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
65 is the pick point of the graph. The 440
thousand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 getting sick.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the females' quantity jumped up in these ages, and they involve 574
thousand
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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