IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

People are encouraged to get rid of things in order to get newest fashion and latest technologies. Do the disadvantages of throwaway society outweigh the economic advantages?

#people #fashion #technologies #society
Living in
21
Replace the word
the 21st
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 century each day a new product or technology is
launching
Wrong verb form
launched
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. It is thought by many folks are attracted
with
Change preposition
by
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 advancements and want to keep themselves
update
Wrong verb form
updated
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.
This
 essay believes that the advent of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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 developments has some
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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however
, the disadvantages are higher than
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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. It has adverse impacts on the society.
Firstly
, it is
facts
Fix the agreement mistake
fact
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 that these latest improvements have benefited
to
Change preposition
apply
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many
individual
Change to a plural noun
individuals
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.
for instance
, recently one application has been launched Musically, it is a music application where individuals get a chance to explore themselves with their ideas and talent. They represent themselves without any support
of
Change preposition
from
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 others from any corner of the world. People can display
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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any skills which they have
composed
Verb problem
developed
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. By using
this
 app they are getting fame and money. Somewhere
this
 application becomes a part of employment.
However
, there are some detrimental effects of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 latest improvements. As we know everyone become
the
Correct article usage
apply
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beauty conscious
Add a hyphen
beauty-conscious
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. They want to look sober so they squander money on themselves by purchasing expensive clothes and applying cosmetics which are harmful to
skin
Add an article
the skin
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. Some people sell their old belongings and try new things on them.
Secondly
, as we know technology is on
next
Correct article usage
the next
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 level. Each day a new product
is coming
Wrong verb form
comes
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in
Change preposition
into
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 the market.
For instance
, apple company which is famous for expensive Mobile Phones.
This
 company launches
his
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 model each year by charging
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 amount
approximately
Change preposition
of approximately
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 90,000.
They
Correct pronoun usage
There
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 are some other
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 who launched phones
in
Change preposition
at
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 cheaper
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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 with the same features and specifications.
To conclude
,
although
 there are some advantages of
this
 latest technology,
Correct pronoun usage
its disadvantage
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disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
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 are harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society it may take people
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 debt which has adverse effects on
Add an article
the individual
an individual
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individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
.
Submitted by mohdfaizan9121 on

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task response
The essay does not fully address the question asked. There is a lack of clear arguments and analysis of both advantages and disadvantages. The essay should have a clearer structure that addresses the specific points of the question.
coherence cohesion
The essay has poor coherence and lacks a clear logical structure. It is important to use paragraphs effectively to organize ideas and provide a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. The introduction and conclusion need improvement to better summarize the content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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