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Band 4.5

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns, leaving only old people in the country side What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve the situation ?

#people #countryside #cities #towns #country #side #situation
There is no doubt these days that most young
people
 are travelling to the town centre and leaving the countryside to the elderly. The question is what are the reasons for the leaving and what we can do to stop
this
 issue
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss the
caused
Replace the word
causes
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 problem and the suggestions for solving the situation. In terms of problems, most of the young
people
 are leaving
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 the low job
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 in the countryside. The main reason given to support
this
 claim is that the towns and
cities
 contain more. To illustrate, Riyadh city has a lot of
companies
such
 as
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Alshaya, Almaray and Nadik
companies
 which the person can apply to
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
However
, Alkharj governorate did not have that much of
companies
 that
people
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 work for
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Additionally
, big supermarkets and other entertainment activities which usually occur in the centre of the city
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a second reason for moving to these areas.
In other words
, the young
people
 are looking for more fun time that they can find in the
cities
.
Moreover
, The university locations are often in the main
cities
, For that, the students that they live in small towns move to main
cities
 looking for study. To solve
this
 dilemma, the governments should provide more job opportunities and encourage the
companies
 to open in countryside regions.
Also
, they should open more educational institutes in these areas. In conclusion, it is evident that the travelling of young
people
 is increasing rapidly. Governments must ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
 phenomenon from deteriorating
further
.
Submitted by Nourah Alhamdan on

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Task Response
The essay addresses the causes and potential solutions to the issue of young people leaving the countryside for cities. It acknowledges the problems caused by this issue and offers suggestions for solving the situation. However, the essay needs to provide a more balanced discussion of both the problems and the solutions. It seems more emphasis is placed on the problems, while the solutions are briefly mentioned.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay shows some attempt at organizing ideas logically, but there are some issues with coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and coherence. The supporting points are not organized effectively, and the essay lacks a clear and cohesive structure. There is a need for better transitions between ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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