IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people nad give your opinion.

#countries #people #work #travel #year #school #university #studies #nad
In many nations around the
world people
Accept comma addition
world, people
 advocate that young people take a
gap
year
 in order to
work
travel
 between high school and varsity
education
. From my perspective,
youngster
Suggestion
the youngster
youngsters
 should
travel
 or
work
 before commencing their college
education
 because it will help them to learn
different aspect
Suggestion
different aspects
a different aspect
 of life at
young age
Suggestion
a young age
the young age
.
Although
, sometimes
this
 situation has both merits as well as demerits which I would discuss in the upcoming paragraphs. There are two major benefits of travelling and working
for
Suggestion
in
 adolescent before embarking their university
education
. The
first
 and foremost is travelling expand their mental horizon When
student
Suggestion
a student
the student
 goes overseas or step out from their comfort zone, they can get different experiences by interacting with people with different mindset, attitudes and cultures.
Moreover
,
this
 period
also
 helps them to get an idea about the society.
As a result
, they will gain deeper and better understanding of the world and community and it will help them to become a responsible person and they came to know about how community system
work
.
Secondly
, doing
work
 before starting university
education
 help youngsters to feel independent and it will help them to understand the value
money
 because they will realize the hard
work
 involve in earning
money
.
Hence due
Accept comma addition
Hence, due
this
, before purchasing anything they have
desire
Suggestion
a desire
the desire
 they must think and it make them less impulsive to their spending. When adolescent get to manage their personal finances, they will
also
 learn the importance of
money
.
In addition
 to
this
 they feel motivated to face future challenges by having
first
 hand experiences in handling complex problem and situation at
work
.
Thus
, it would help
to
Suggestion
with
in
 the overall development of youngsters. Even though taking a
gap
year
 to
work
 or
travel
 before beginning tertiary
education
 has some merits which I had discussed, in the above paragraphs while it
also
 has some notable drawback which is worth considering. The prime disadvantage of travelling it would cause people homesick because many young people not have been apart from their loved ones before that so when they
travel
, they missed them.
Furthermore
, in some extreme circumstances they may suffer from depression. Eventually,
this
 could lead to deterioration of both physical and mental health.
Besides
this
, sometime student who
work
Suggestion
works
 may not come back to their study. The reason behind may that they enjoy earning
money
 or become
money
Suggestion
a money
 minded and want to become
financial
Suggestion
financially
 independent.
Consequently
, their whole future negatively affected because without
degree
Suggestion
a degree
 and proper
education
 it is extremely difficult to acquire a job in
this
 competitive world. As we all know that Without
education
 a man is handicapped. In conclusion, taking a
year
gap
 before tertiary
education
 has some props
a like
having the same or similar characteristics
alike
 came to know about
appreciate
Suggestion
appreciating
value
Suggestion
the value
 of
money
 and personality development.
However
, it
also
 has some obvious drawback which have been exemplified in the above paragraph. All in all, it is up to
individuals
Suggestion
individual
individual's
individuals'
 choice to take a
year
gap
 between higher and university
education
 but one should must consider their drawback.
Submitted by arjun on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: