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Band 4.5

Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

#celebrities #money
It is true that some people believe that achieving a fixed
career
 in the whole of life
sufficient
Add a missing verb
is sufficient
show examples
 for them and they
be
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 satisfied with it. So,
this
job
 brings many advantages and fringe
benefits
 for them.
However
, I believe that
work
satisfaction
 is a complex concept in terms of any
person
Change noun form
person's
show examples
differ
Replace the word
differences
show examples
. On the one hand, owning fixed employment brings a lot of merits for employees because of
this
 issue many employment seekers desire that acquire an unchanged
job
 without attention to
job
satisfaction
. The primary merit is that any
person
 who needs a
job
 in which they do not want to spend a lot of
time
 seeking a
job
 in many periods of
time
 and
instead
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
focus on their
job
.
Secondly
, employees have various
benefits
 of their
career
 including old-age pension, health insurance, and generous
benefits
 and they do not worry about the future. Because many people like these jobs.
Finally
, many occupations have a special structure for any employee
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 wants to enhance his/her
benefits
.
For instance
, in public service, one employee can improve to a deputy or chairman
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
Correct article usage
a periods
show examples
periods
Fix the agreement mistake
period
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 of
time
.
On the other hand
, I am of the opinion that people who are seeking a position
beside
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 a desire to have a
job
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
show examples
 to factors that supply for
job
satisfaction
.
Job
satisfying
Replace the word
satisfaction
show examples
 has several factors that differ
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
any
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
person
 to another
person
. Nowadays, a lot of
work
 seekers aspire to experience the
feel
Replace the word
feeling
show examples
 of
work
satisfaction
 so that maybe they want to find
this
 profession.
Firstly
,
have
Wrong verb form
having
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benefits
such
 as enough salary and insurance cannot
the
Add a missing verb
be the
show examples
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 for selecting a
career
. Beyond doubt, these features are initial aspects of any occupation. Indeed, attention to factors including a positive working atmosphere, enthusiastic colleagues, and an inspirational boss play an important role for any
person
 who seeks a
career
.
Besides
 the
time
 we spend choosing a good
career
most
Rephrase
is more
show examples
worthier
Replace the word
worthwhile
show examples
 than
we spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 that
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a
job
 that unsatisfied
ours
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
. In conclusion, following a fixed
career
 for the entire life might contribute to contentment at
work
.
However
, I believe
this
 is not the only route for everyone to achieve goals in their working life.
Submitted by mohammad chelsea on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. You need to work on organizing your ideas in a more logical manner and ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
task achievement
Your response to the task is acceptable, but could be more comprehensive and specific. Try to provide more specific examples and expand on your ideas to fully answer the question.
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