IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extend do you agree or disagree.

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
Obesity is a common problem among youngsters today, due to the habit of eating junk food and lack of
excercise
the activity of exerting your muscles in various ways to keep fit
exercise
. In order to tackle the problem, some people state that physical
education
 should be introduced in
school
. I completely agree, that physical
excercise
the activity of exerting your muscles in various ways to keep fit
exercise
 should be integrated
in
Suggestion
into
school
 curriculum,
reasons
Suggestion
the reasons
 for which, I shall give
further
 in the essay. In recent times, children are spending more
time
 on their screens and less
time
 is spend playing outdoor sports
therefore
this
 lack of excercise is the cause of children being overweight, thereby by making physical
education
 essential part of
school
 curriculum would mean that the children learn to enjoy outdoor activities from a early stage of life and thereby inculcating good habits among the young.
For
example in
Accept comma addition
example, in
 my own
school we
Accept comma addition
school, we
 had half an hour of
manadatory
required by rule
mandatory
 sports period.
Also
, another good reason is that, physical
education
 helps identify talented students in the field of sports. Many famous sportsmen /women got selected at
school level
Suggestion
the school level
 itself to play for big teams. Some people
however
 have an opposing viewpoint, wherein they believe that sports is
waste
Suggestion
a waste
 of
time
 and schools should be more academic focus rather than wasting
time
 in teaching kids physical
education
. They believe that schools focus on subjects like maths,
pschology
the science of mental life
psychology
, which would help them in their career paths.
However
, having said that, A list universities require the students to not only have excellent scores but
also
 have
well rounded personality
Suggestion
a well rounded personality
. To conclude, having discussed both the view points, In my opinion physical
education
 is important to be taught to
school
 children in order to encourage good habits from a young age.
Also
, to help develop their skills if they are sports
inclinded
(often followed by 'to') having a preference, disposition, or tendency
inclined
.
Submitted by soji on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: