IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#cities #people’s #health
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In recent years, the issue of living in huge
cities
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 adversely affecting human
health
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 has gained significant attention. In my point of view, I consider myself
as
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apply
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an advocate of
this
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 idea. There are justifiable reasons to note that
air
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pollution
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 in big
cities
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 has a negative impact on
people
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's
health
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. Chief of
this
Linking Words
 is that big
cities
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 often have a lot of traffic jams, factories producing chemical substances, and automobile factories, leading to heavy
air
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pollution
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due to
Linking Words
 fine dust and toxic emissions. To be precise, when
people
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 breathe polluted
air
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 for a long time, especially with pollutants
such
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 as CO, NO2,
SO2
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and SO2
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 can cause respiratory diseases
such
Linking Words
 as bronchitis, asthma,
lung
Correct word choice
and lung
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 cancer.
Hence
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,
air
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pollution
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 is a bad cause of
human’s
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human
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health
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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’s
health
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 is not decent when living in big
cities
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 because of the high population density. Added to
this
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 is the fact that more and more
people
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 want to immigrate to big
cities
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, making the population density in these
place
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places
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 overcrowded when bacteria and viruses are more easily spread.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the risk of contracting infectious diseases will increase.
For example
Linking Words
, during the outbreak of the
corona
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coronavirus
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 epidemic, the infection and disease percentages in Hanoi, Saigon or Da Nang were much higher than in rural or suburban areas. In conclusion, living in big
cities
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 can cause several problems, namely the problem of environmental
pollution
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 and excessive population density. In my opinion, I agree with the view that living in big
cities
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 is not good for
people
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's
health
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.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
While your essay clearly addresses the task and presents relevant arguments, try to include more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to further enhance your response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs follow a logical order and use a variety of linking words to enhance the overall cohesion. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'moreover', try alternatives like 'furthermore' or 'in addition'.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your main points, particularly the example concerning the corona epidemic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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