IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#cities #people’s #health
In recent years, the issue of living in huge
cities
 adversely affecting human
health
 has gained significant attention. In my point of view, I consider myself
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an advocate of
this
 idea. There are justifiable reasons to note that
air
pollution
 in big
cities
 has a negative impact on
people
's
health
. Chief of
this
 is that big
cities
 often have a lot of traffic jams, factories producing chemical substances, and automobile factories, leading to heavy
air
pollution
due to
 fine dust and toxic emissions. To be precise, when
people
 breathe polluted
air
 for a long time, especially with pollutants
such
 as CO, NO2,
SO2
Correct word choice
and SO2
show examples
 can cause respiratory diseases
such
 as bronchitis, asthma,
lung
Correct word choice
and lung
show examples
 cancer.
Hence
,
air
pollution
 is a bad cause of
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
health
.
Moreover
,
people
’s
health
 is not decent when living in big
cities
 because of the high population density. Added to
this
 is the fact that more and more
people
 want to immigrate to big
cities
, making the population density in these
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 overcrowded when bacteria and viruses are more easily spread.
Therefore
, the risk of contracting infectious diseases will increase.
For example
, during the outbreak of the
corona
Correct your spelling
coronavirus
show examples
 epidemic, the infection and disease percentages in Hanoi, Saigon or Da Nang were much higher than in rural or suburban areas. In conclusion, living in big
cities
 can cause several problems, namely the problem of environmental
pollution
 and excessive population density. In my opinion, I agree with the view that living in big
cities
 is not good for
people
's
health
.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay clearly addresses the task and presents relevant arguments, try to include more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to further enhance your response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs follow a logical order and use a variety of linking words to enhance the overall cohesion. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'moreover', try alternatives like 'furthermore' or 'in addition'.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your main points, particularly the example concerning the corona epidemic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: