IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports. d you agree or disagree

#children #computers #entertainment #time #sports
In recent years electronic games attract children's attention increasingly. So that it has been hotly debated over the past years among different groups of society from doctors to psychologists.
However
, some believe that in today's insecure society electronic games are good instruments for maintaining children in the home, curbing their relationships, and saving them from society's threaten, I disagree and my arguments at
this
 point are listed as follows. The
first
 point makes me, disagree with staying at home and doing gaming is its damaging consequences of inactivity. Spending long hours on it every day will cause neglecting to engage in physical activities
such
 as running and jumping which leads to a higher rate of obesity.
Besides
, there is a pretty sizable number of studies that have just documented that using video games more than hours a day will cause high blood pressure that could lead to cardiovascular problems in the future. But we could prevent those just by encouraging children to go out and do exercise. Another point that should be taken into consideration is social difficulties, those adolescent may face if gaming causes they get stuck in a place. When they start playing computer games from an early age, little by little their desire to communicate with others in the real world, one of the most important abilities for the survival of social life, will disappear. Growing and going outside to work is an inevitable issue.
That is
 the time they won't have enough self-confidence in facing the real world what leads them to isolation and loneliness.
This
 is the concern that has preoccupied many psychologists and has worried them for the foreseeable future. As I mentioned above, I agree with encouraging children to go out and doing sport
instead
 of staying home and do computer games owe to the health hazard and social problems that wait for computer game addictions.
Submitted by Golnar Mirzad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: