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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

TASK: More and more parents allow their children to play on computers as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development overweigh the disadvantages?

There is no doubt that
video
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games
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 are becoming more common and are increasingly enjoyed by kids.
While
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 some advocate the idea of
beneficial
Correct article usage
the beneficial
show examples
 effects of gaming, others argue that all screen-based time is detrimental to children. In my opinion, notwithstanding some possible
violence
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 drawbacks,
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 of
this
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 tendency overweight the disadvantages, as gaming can develop
technology
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 skills and
also
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 improve brain
flexibility
Punctuation problem
flexibility,
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whereas
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 the potential connection between aggression and
video
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games
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 has not been proved. It is a fact that computer
games
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 are teaching
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 how to work with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
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 of
technology
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. The wide range of actions is required to succeed in a game
and
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, and
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while
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 playing
kids
Punctuation problem
, kids
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 are being taught primary
technology
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 education.
Moreover
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, not only
is
Verb problem
does
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 gaming
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
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 computer skills, but
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Correct pronoun usage
it also
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also can
Correct word order
can also
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 make
offsprings
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offspring
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 think more flexibly.
According to
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 the latest research, electronic
games
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 are giving a child
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
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 to adapt and switch between tasks, and think about multiple ideas at a given time to solve problems.
Hence
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,
this
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 study proved that kids are becoming quicker, more precise, and more attentive with the help of virtual reality.
However
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,even if some brain functions are improved, there are still broad issues about
violence
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. There is a common belief that
video
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games
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 increase the likelihood that young people will resort to
violence
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. It is considered that the content of some
games
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 does affect social
outcome
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outcomes
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. The prime example can be the
games
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 that are based on
shooting
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shooting,
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 as they may provoke aggressive behaviour. But, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 no
meta studies
Use the right word
meta-studies
show examples
 that found proof of any connection between
video
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games
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 and violent crime. Whether or not someone is likely to become violent is mostly determined by other factors
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such
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, such
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 as domestic
violence
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 or the consumption of alcohol or drugs. In conclusion,
video
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games
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are
Verb problem
have
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 having positive impact on the lives of
21st century
Use the right word
21st-century
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 children as they are helping to boolster
child’s
Fix the agreement mistake
children’s
show examples
 brain activity and
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also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 be used as a teaching tool for
Use synonyms
technology
Use the right word
technology-based
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basis
Check wording
learning
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.
This
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 issue is totally
overweighting
Verb problem
outweighing
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 the disadvantages
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as becoming more violent because of gaming
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is not scientifically
proved
Use the right word
proven
show examples

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task
Keep to one main idea in each paragraph. State your view in the intro and restate it in the end.
task
Give more real examples and facts to back up your points. Do not rely on opinion alone.
coherence
Link ideas with clear words like also, however, for example, as a result to help the flow.
coherence
Make paragraphs smooth. Use one idea per paragraph and connect them with linking words.
language
Check grammar and spelling. Words like overweighting or boolster are not correct.
structure
The essay has a clear view from the start.
content
There is a counter idea and a reply in the text.
content
You give a point about tech and brain work.
Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

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