IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Many people get little or no exercise either during the working day

#people #exercise
There was a study
showed
Suggestion
showing
 only 10% people doing exercises during the weekdays or in their free
time
.
As a result
, it caused a serious problem of their health. There are two main reasons causing
this
 problem.
First
 of all, with the
developing
Suggestion
development
 of the internet businesses, most employees spend at least 10 hours on their computer. They don’t have
time
 to take a break or even drink a glass of water!
However
, the companies don’t care about
their their health
Suggestion
their health
, they just want to achieve their goals.
Therefore
, the employees sacrifice their free
time
 to finish their job
instead
 of exercise.
In addition
, they have to do housework or take care of their children after work
time
. They spend almost 3 hours on accompanying their children because
family
Suggestion
the family
 is the
first
 place in their mind.
However
, they ignore the importance of their body. Overall, they don’t have
time
 to do
exercises
Suggestion
the exercises
 in their free
time
. In my opinion, the companies should pay attention to their employees’ health because the employees are the most important part in
contribute
Suggestion
contributing
 to the
company
. A successful
company
 can’t do anything if they lose their employees. The
company
 should set up a new policy which
allow
Suggestion
allows
 people have
one hour break
Suggestion
a one hour break
 during their working
time
. They have to leave out of their computer and take a deep breath. A successful
company
 should
also
 provide a fitness room for those people who want to do exercises during their break.
Submitted by 梁家航 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • exercise regimen
  • personal goals
  • individual pace
  • convenience
  • motivation
  • peer pressure
  • structured classes
  • social dynamics
  • accountability
  • external motivation
  • self-discipline
  • peer support
What to do next:
Look at other essays: