IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree/disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #effort #health #education #lessons #school #curriculum
Over the
last
 half centuries, the pace of change in the life of human beings has increased beyond our wildest expectations.
This
 change has been driven by the booming breakthroughs in science and technology.
Consequently
, people are now becoming more dependent on machineries to perform their works.
Thus
, the
problem
 of obesity or being overweight has experienced a skyrocketed increase in the recent years. People are becoming more interested towards seeking the help from
healthcare
Suggestion
the healthcare system
system
 in order to eradicate the
health
 issues. Contrastingly, it is being suggested by some individuals that, to uproot the
health
 issue related problems, children should be taught physical
education
 lessons as a part of their curriculum.
This
 essay will focus on the different perspective
about
Suggestion
on
 the
health
 issues and why I believe that
health
education
 should be provided at the school to prevent people from being overweight. There are some notable reasons behind my firm conviction.
Firstly
, we all know that precaution is better than cure. So, if a child learns about physical
education
 at an early, he/she will be aware about the
health
 issues prior to being indulged in the
problem
.
Secondly
, physical
education
 lessons require active participation in various physical activities which help the younger ones to be physically active from a very early stage and boost their immune
system
.
Thirdly
, physical
education
 lessons help the students to learn about positive and adverse effects of consuming different food products and
this
 knowledge helps them to avoid those foods that cause obesity.
On the other hand
, strong arguments can be made on the opposite side.
Health
Suggestion
The health care system
care
system
 can give people proper direction to deal with the
problem
 of
overweight which
Accept comma addition
overweight, which
 cannot be gained through physical
education
 lessons at school.
For instance
,
health
Suggestion
the health care instructor
a health care instructor
health care instructors
care
 instructor can suggest diets according to the density of the
problem
.
Moreover
,
health
care
system
 can help people to lead a routine life. To conclude, it can clearly be seen that, the advantages of physical
education
 learnings
has eclipsed
Suggestion
have eclipsed
 the advantages of using
health
Suggestion
the health care system
care
system
. Weighing the pros and cons, I do recommend that individuals should learn about
health
 related issues as a part of their
education
 process.
Submitted by Dipty on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: