IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think children should learn to paint and draw at school. Others believe it is just a waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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People’s opinions differ as to whether pupils should be taught how to
paint
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 and draw pictures at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
While
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 there are certain benefits in gaining
this
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 skill, I do not believe
this
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 should be a mandatory course for all
children
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. There are various reasons why people believe that pupils should learn
Use synonyms
paint
Fix the infinitive
to paint
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 and draw pictures during their school lives.
Firstly
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, it might be the reason that learning the skill to
paint
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 could become a hobby for
children
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, so they could benefit from
this
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in
Change preposition
for
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 the rest of their lives.
For example
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, permissive parents are criticised
to allow
Change preposition
for allowing
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 their
children
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 to play computer games for a long time, which is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 their health
such
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 as the common eyesight problem among young people.
Children
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 with a hobby like painting and drawing will undoubtedly help them spend their spare time in a more meaningful way, where they can draw different pictures and sell them, raising money for charities.
As a result
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,
this
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 will have a positive effect on them. In spite of the benefits mentioned above, I think that it is totally unnecessary for all
children
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 to attend these classes. Painting and drawing lessons for
children
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 who are not interested in them could be detrimental
in
Change preposition
to
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 their self-development where they would feel that they were forced, leading to demotivational emotions.
Furthermore
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, a society needs more variable allocations for different roles in the future
such
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 as plumbers, engineers, doctors and teachers. Not every child wants to be a painter or artist in future,
thus
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 it would be pointless for them to learn
this
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.
Instead
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, their time
devoting
Wrong verb form
devoted
show examples
on
Change preposition
to
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 painting and drawing could be better spent
in
Change preposition
on
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 the subjects
where
Correct word choice
which
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 they are keen to learn. In conclusion, I believe
children
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 should only
encourage
Wrong verb form
be encouraged
show examples
 to learn to draw and
paint
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 if they are interested in these lessons.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on your introduction by briefly stating the reasons for both views to create a clearer context for your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will enhance the logical flow of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to improve the coherence of your ideas and transitions between paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments, as this will strengthen your points and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument and demonstrates your perspective on the topic effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The use of varying sentence structures enhances the overall readability of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • imagination
  • personal expression
  • emotional release
  • overall development
  • fine motor skills
  • hand-eye coordination
  • academic performance
  • STEM fields
  • well-rounded
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • innovation
  • arts education
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