IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today's world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent to you agree?

In
Use the right word
It
show examples
 cannot be denied that modern
people
Use synonyms
 are facing various
health
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 and diseases. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the explanation for
this
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 our inactive lifestyle. From my perspective, the reason can be considered as one of the biggest
problems
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, we cannot ignore
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 more dangerous impacts that can easily cause sickness to our well-being.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, we have to explain how
this
Linking Words
 sedentary lifestyle happened.
Due to
Linking Words
 the fast development of technology,
people
Use synonyms
 now tend to rely on machines
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 doing
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 by themselves. Technology makes
people
Use synonyms
 feel like they can help them to do anything without putting
hands
Correct pronoun usage
their hands
show examples
 on. The thought has revealed and caused the impetus of
laziness
Correct article usage
the laziness
show examples
 of human nature.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 will be less active
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and slowly stop working or even exercising.
This
Linking Words
 leads to a variety of dangerous both physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
, which can be named
such
Linking Words
 as stress, sleeplessness, high pressure, weak bones, overweight, etc.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 negative impacts caused
Use synonyms
health
Change preposition
by health
show examples
 issues from our daily
background
Check wording
environment
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, the environment has been polluted with toxic
gasses
Use the right word
gases
show examples
, chemicals or even daily
trashes
Correct subject-verb agreement
trash
show examples
, so
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 fact, many
people
Use synonyms
 have to deal with different types of allergies. Or another instance is
because
Change preposition
that
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 want to buy cheap things, even food,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 has led
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 cause of foodborne disease.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I do agree with the statement which says our sedentary lifestyle is the cause of many medical
problems
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, we cannot ignore
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 dangerous effects. In conclusion, still,
people
Use synonyms
 have to put their
health
Use synonyms
 as the top priority in any circumstances.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your view clear at once and stay with it through the essay.
structure
Use one idea per paragraph. Start with one idea, then give facts or simple examples.
coherence
Use simple link words to show cause and effect and order, like First, Also, Because, So.
language
Check grammar and small word form. Use short, easy sentences to be clear.
content
Do not add many new ideas in one paragraph. Stay close to the main point.
structure
Intro and conclusion are present.
coherence
Some linking words help move the idea along.
content
The essay makes a real link to health problems from life style.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Prolonged inactivity
  • Obesity
  • Hypertension
  • Coronary artery disease
  • Stroke
  • Diabetes
  • Mental health
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Musculoskeletal health
  • Back pain
  • Posture
  • Osteoporosis
  • Prevention
  • Walking
  • Standing desks
  • Regular exercise
What to do next:
Look at other essays: