IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

#children #time #computer #games #sports #development
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While
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children
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 these days are more inclined to use electronic
devices
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, outdoor games remain the most effective way of not only building team skills, but
also
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 keeping them healthy.
However
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, in my opinion, parents and schools do not pay enough attention to the screen
time
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 of the younger ones.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons why
children
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 tend to spend more
time
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 on these
devices
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 and how badly it can affect their development. Several schools have started to implement iPads into their study plans, which give students unnecessary early exposure to digital
devices
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.
Although
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this
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 improves the quality of education, and makes the lessons more interesting, using these
devices
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 for a good part of their day, at school,
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them more
addictive
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addicted
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 to it.
Moreover
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, it's not practical for a teacher to be able to supervise all students.
For example
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, some students may start indulging in fun activities without the
know how
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know-how
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 of the teacher in charge and switch back when he or she is approaching them.
On the other hand
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, unsupervised screen
time
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 at home makes it even worse. Most parents,
due to
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lack
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a lack
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 of knowledge or to get some
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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time
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 to themselves, allow their
children
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 to use
devices
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 as long as they are busy.
This
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 contributes even more to their addiction and makes the child less social. In conclusion, playing computer games
on
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at
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 the cost of outdoor activities for
children
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 is harmful to their mental development. I think
,
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apply
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 it may be because of the early exposure to computers at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 or unattended
time
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 on these
devices
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 at home.
Submitted by MK on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are stronger and more explicit. Develop a clear and comprehensive idea at the beginning of each body paragraph. Use more relevant specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, consider providing more relevant specific examples to support your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
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