IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think nations and individuals should focus on their own personal problems rather than global ones. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an opinion that governments and their citizens should approach local
issues
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 rather than global ones. I somewhat agree with
this
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 notion;
however
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, I think that global
problems
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 should not be neglected as well.
First,
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society should tackle local
problems
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 because it would not be ethical to allocate funds to other
countries
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 when your own nation is in trouble. As it is known, a large number of
countries
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 nowadays are facing social and economic
issues
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, which ought to be addressed immediately;
otherwise
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, they will become even worse.
For example
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, if a government tries to help other
countries
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 without solving its own
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
issues
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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then
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 local unemployment rates will increase
as well
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as
Correct word choice
and
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 the level of life will decrease.
Thus
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, it would be appropriate to provide free education and health
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
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 for citizens
as well as
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 unemployment benefits, and only after that to help others.
However
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, there are global
issues
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 that affect all people around the world and should be addressed as well.
Such
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problems
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 as pollution of the ocean, carbon dioxide emissions, global warming, and famine in Africa and other developing
countries
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 in the long term influence the
overall
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 well-being of the planet Earth. Not solving them may lead to a global catastrophe, when humans will struggle
from
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with
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 a shortage of fresh water and food, pollution-related diseases, etc. In fact, everyone should be aware that we are not living in a bubble; we are living in a connected world, where
problems
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 in one part are echoing in another part. In conclusion, I partly agree that societies should concentrate on local
problems
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 first because the government is responsible for the well-being of their citizens.
However
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, global
issues
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also
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 should be solved because they influence the quality of life of every human being around the globe.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your main points. While you have mentioned some relevant issues, citing specific countries or statistics could strengthen your argument and make it more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that transition phrases are used consistently throughout your essay to enhance the flow between ideas. Words like 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' and 'On the other hand' can help in this regard.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear stance, and you effectively express agreement and disagreement, which demonstrates critical thinking.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument easily.
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