IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that the government should spend more money putting in more works of art like paintings and statues in cities to make them better places to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #government #money #works #art #paintings #statues #cities #places
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, some
people
Use synonyms
 support the idea that the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest a higher amount of money in the form of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
painting
Fix the agreement mistake
paintings
show examples
 and statues.
This
Linking Words
,
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 order to make places more liveable. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because investing in
art
Use synonyms
 is a good way to promote economic growth in the
cities
Use synonyms
. A part of the population could be against
this
Linking Words
 view as they might consider other investments more important. Some
people
Use synonyms
 support the idea that
instead
Linking Words
 of investing in
art
Use synonyms
, the
government
Use synonyms
 should invest in education and industrial development. Society needs professionals in different fields to become a better place to live in.
This
Linking Words
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 companies can not grow up without the right human resources.
Also
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 might prefer to see investments for the creation of new companies because it will generate more job opportunities for the community.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
Art
Use synonyms
 is not considered as something essential or important in some places.
People
Use synonyms
 are increasingly ignoring the value of
art
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, rather than visiting the galleries or the museums, they prefer to go to a pub or to the cinema. 
However
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
 can help
cities
Use synonyms
 potentially
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 to live in. Most of the
cities
Use synonyms
 in the world make a great deal of money from different forms of
art
Use synonyms
. That is the case of Paris, France where a great deal of money comes from the museums' earnings and tourism. If the
government
Use synonyms
 embraces strategies to support artists and painters economically, there will be paintings, sculptures and monuments to show to the public.
As a result
Linking Words
,
cities
Use synonyms
 will be rich in
art
Use synonyms
 forms and more
people
Use synonyms
 might be encouraged to choose these places as their next travel destination. When
cities
Use synonyms
 experience a high number of visitors, restaurants, hotels and travel agencies
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
monetarily
benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 from it, which might increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth,
thus
Linking Words
 becoming a better place to live. In conclusion,
Although
Linking Words
 there are a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 who are against
art
Use synonyms
 development, it is true that it brings more revenue to the
cities
Use synonyms
. It provides a fair economic model where the
government
Use synonyms
 will get payback as long as
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
invest
Correct subject-verb agreement
invests
show examples
 in it.
Submitted by juansetirado on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear opinion and supports it with relevant arguments. The response remains focused on the topic, and the ideas are relevant to the task. However, there is room for improvement in illustrating a balanced view of the opposing perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a logical organization with a clear introduction and conclusion. The ideas are presented coherently with relevant examples to support the main points. However, there is a need to improve the linkage of ideas within paragraphs to enhance coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: