IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that the government should spend more money putting in more works of art like paintings and statues in cities to make them better places to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #government #money #works #art #paintings #statues #cities #places
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Nowadays, some
people
 support the idea that the
government
 should invest a higher amount of money in the form of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
such
 as
painting
Fix the agreement mistake
paintings
show examples
 and statues.
This
,
in
Add a missing verb
is in
show examples
 order to make places more liveable. I agree with
this
 view because investing in
art
 is a good way to promote economic growth in the
cities
. A part of the population could be against
this
 view as they might consider other investments more important. Some
people
 support the idea that
instead
 of investing in
art
, the
government
 should invest in education and industrial development. Society needs professionals in different fields to become a better place to live in.
This
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 companies can not grow up without the right human resources.
Also
, some
people
 might prefer to see investments for the creation of new companies because it will generate more job opportunities for the community.
Lastly
,
Art
 is not considered as something essential or important in some places.
People
 are increasingly ignoring the value of
art
.
For example
, rather than visiting the galleries or the museums, they prefer to go to a pub or to the cinema. 
However
,
art
 can help
cities
 potentially
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 to live in. Most of the
cities
 in the world make a great deal of money from different forms of
art
. That is the case of Paris, France where a great deal of money comes from the museums' earnings and tourism. If the
government
 embraces strategies to support artists and painters economically, there will be paintings, sculptures and monuments to show to the public.
As a result
,
cities
 will be rich in
art
 forms and more
people
 might be encouraged to choose these places as their next travel destination. When
cities
 experience a high number of visitors, restaurants, hotels and travel agencies
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
monetarily
benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 from it, which might increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic growth,
thus
 becoming a better place to live. In conclusion,
Although
 there are a lot of
people
 who are against
art
 development, it is true that it brings more revenue to the
cities
. It provides a fair economic model where the
government
 will get payback as long as
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
invest
Correct subject-verb agreement
invests
show examples
 in it.
Submitted by juansetirado on

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Task Response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear opinion and supports it with relevant arguments. The response remains focused on the topic, and the ideas are relevant to the task. However, there is room for improvement in illustrating a balanced view of the opposing perspective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a logical organization with a clear introduction and conclusion. The ideas are presented coherently with relevant examples to support the main points. However, there is a need to improve the linkage of ideas within paragraphs to enhance coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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