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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects and develop knowledge. Others think that they should only study a small number of subjects in details. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #school #children #range #subjects #study
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There has long been controversy about education policies and people have a multitude of views about what institution children should learn at faculty.
Although
 there are good arguments in favour of having older school children focus on studying
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a small number of
subjects
 in
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
, I personally believe that they should still learn a wide range of
subjects
 in order to develop all-round knowledge. Studying a small number of practical
subjects
 would allow
students
 to have more employment opportunities with a better monetary return.
This
 is because
students
 can usually acquire professional
skills
 in practical
subjects
 and in turn, have a clearer career path.
For example
, doctors, lawyers, engineers and accountants can usually secure relatively
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
 and stable jobs, where they are promoted from time to time.
Students
 studying these
subjects
 are more likely not only to be financially independent but
also
 even support their parents.
Also
, as adults,
students
 should be able to make their own living after they graduate from
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
 or they will continue to impose the financial burden on their parents.
Moreover
, another point is to note that professional practical
subjects
 can extensively train
students
problem-solving
Change preposition
in problem-solving
show examples
skills
 and critical thinking
skills
 because they are preparing for a real-life situation. Despite the aforementioned reasons why older
students
 should concentrate on studying a few
subjects
, I believe that they should learn a wide range of
subjects
 and develop proficiency. One of the fundamental principles of education is that it should always be all-rounded, where not only intelligence should be passed on to
students
, but other elements
such
 as social
skills
, correct values and physical development should
also
 be considered equally vital. Some
subjects
 may seem “useless” as they are not directly related to earning money in the future, but they are all crucial to
students
’ all-round development.
For instance
, if schools only teach
students
 professional academic philosophy and entirely ignore their aesthetic and physical development, the
students
 will transform into nothing more than working machines. Under
this
 line of thinking,
although
students
 may gain a better career
prospect
Fix the agreement mistake
prospects
show examples
 and earn more money in the future if they only study a small number of
subjects
 in their senior academy years
Submitted by tina fung on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes your stance and main points. It seems unfinished; a closing summary statement could strengthen the essay's structure.
logical structure
Work on the flow between paragraphs. Transitions could be smoother to enhance the readability and logical progression of ideas.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant and specific examples to support the arguments, which strengthens the response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are clearly expressed, and you address both views thoroughly, showcasing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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