IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People are becoming too dependent on the Internet and phone. Is it a positive or negative development

It is true that the dependency and attention on the internet,
as well as
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 mobile
phones
Use synonyms
,mobile
Use synonyms
phones
Add the comma(s)
phones,
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 have been increasing inevitably among
people
Use synonyms
. In
this
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 essay,I
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 focus upon the repercussions of the issue,
firstly
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 how in today's time
people
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 lack social interaction even though we are 'social
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
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', and
secondly
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 how the reduction of
people
Use synonyms
's brainpower and use in their quotidian is impacted.
To begin
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 with, humans in the current society have forgotten to comfortably interact with their counterparts or strangers. There has been a decline in social interaction and
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in social awkwardness in the community. For
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance
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, it is considered rude in Japan to talk to
people
Use synonyms
 in public areas or even a metro, as
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to be in their personal space with their smartphones. Wherever we look around we observe
people
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;e engrossed in their own devices and busy consuming content which is enabling distances among them.
Moreover
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, the next worrisome matter is
depletion
Correct article usage
the depletion
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 in the usage of the brain in daily life to complete
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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tasks.
For example
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, in the olden days'
people
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 remembered phone numbers,
perform
Wrong verb form
performed
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 simple calculations and registered multiple tasks to be conducted in their day which ensured continuous usage of the mind but nowadays, everything has been computerised or aided by
phones
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such
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 as setting an alarm, reminder, solving quick problems, making contact log.
Furthermore
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, if
people
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 are deviceless they feel handicapped or incomplete which proves their extreme
reliability
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reliance
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 on a smart device or even
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 to conduct their tasks.
Consequently
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, society is not
equipping
Wrong verb form
equipped
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 enough
from
Change preposition
with
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 its own potential and relying more on the tools available at
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 disposal.
However
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, in
the
Correct article usage
a
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nutshell
Add a comma
nutshell,
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 I believe, we need to be careful in terms of utilising certain things more than required and decreasing our own potential. We need to be openly conversing with other humans to sustain and satisfy ourselves rather than just driven by mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 so, the need to regulate the usage is highly essential and need of the hour.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on structuring your essay more clearly. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, which can improve the logical flow of your arguments.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples that directly support your claims. This will strengthen your arguments and contribute to a clearer response.
coherence and cohesion
Consider refining your introduction and conclusion to more clearly outline your stance and summarize your findings. This helps reinforce your overall message.
task achievement
You presented some relevant points regarding social interaction and reliance on technology, highlighting important issues.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear intention to discuss both the negative aspects of dependency on technology, which is a relevant response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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