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Band 5.5

Since traveling abroad has become relatively inexpensive more countries are opening their doors for foreign tourists. Is it a positive or negative trend? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

#countries #doors #tourists #trend
Currently, advertisements
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
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 on TV
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 exerting an increasing impact on
children
 in several aspects. Since not all of these effects are positive for the next generation, I believe that some restrictions should be introduced by the
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
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 to minimize the negative influences.
While
 I admit that there are some contents in advertising that serve as a way of inspiration or stimulation for brain development,
this
 kind of situation is not prevalent. For most juvenile audiences, advertisements can be dangerous for their physical
as well as
 psychological health.
To begin
 with, since the majority of these youngest customers do not have an independent mind, they are so vulnerable to the persuasive intent in advertising.
Consequently
,
children
 could easily adopt
a
Correct article usage
apply
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detrimental
habit
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habits
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such
 as
addicted
Add a missing verb
being addicted
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 to fast food or video games,
thus
 overeating and obesity.
Moreover
, by dint of the constantly repeated broadcast, many people would develop advertising-based requests, let alone the targeted
children
. These
products
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product
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 preferences and
desire
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desires
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 fostered by commercial
channel
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channels
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 could end up in greed or even financial distress in their adult life. Despite the previous discussion, measures could be taken to address the potential hazards. On one hand, governments could establish a regulating system for content evaluation to ensure
children
 would not be exposed to any adverse shows.
On the other hand
, it is important to put
the
Correct article usage
apply
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immature TV audiences under the supervision of their parents to avoid excessive screen time, especially when
children
 stay home by themselves. In conclusion,
although
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advertising works can sometimes be educational, they are more likely to create hidden troubles in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
’s development so
that
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apply
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related solutions should be implemented to address the potential risks.
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task achievement
While your essay is well-structured and addresses the task effectively, you could enhance it by including more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and demonstrate your ability to provide concrete evidence.
coherence and cohesion
Some of the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of your essay. This will help your ideas connect more naturally and make your essay easier to follow.
general
Be mindful of occasional awkward phrases or slight grammatical errors. Proofreading your essay could help eliminate these and ensure your writing is clear and professional.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing both the potential benefits and dangers of advertising to children.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, providing a solid framework for your argument and summarizing your points effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is coherent, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. This makes your essay easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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