IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Children in many countries are eating more fast food and convenience snacks. Why are children doing this and hoxw serious are the consequences?

#children #countries #food #convenience #snacks #hoxw #consequences
In the
resent
Correct your spelling
recent
show examples
 years, fast
food
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 a part of our daily routine, especial with children.
Although
 junk
food
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not necessary for us, more and more children eat it
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. There
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a lot of reason for
this
 problem.
To begin
 with, the most vital factors is lack of
parents's
Remove the s
parents'
show examples
 care for their child. They always focus on their work and do not mind
about
Verify preposition usage
apply
show examples
their children's mess.
For example
, almost parents
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 I know have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
busy work usually give money for their child to buy fast
food
Add the comma(s)
, as a result,
show examples
as a result
 they do not have enough time to prepare homemade
food
.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, nowadays,
unthealthy
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
food
 is
producted
Correct your spelling
produced
quicky
Correct your spelling
quickly
show examples
 and widely. Children can buy it everywhere with the cheapest cost.
For instance
, dried chicken only
take
Change the verb form
takes
show examples
 3 USD and it is delicious. Not
suprisingly
Correct your spelling
surprisingly
 that fast
food
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
n
Add an article
a
show examples
egative effect on children's health.
Fisrt
Correct your spelling
First
 of all, children can
lost
Change the verb form
lose
be lost
show examples
 their weight if they eat junk
food
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. And the cause is they will overweight.
Next
, some scientists
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that fast
food
 is the most important things that cause lazy
in
Verify preposition usage
apply
show examples
children. As
e
Add an article
an
show examples
lement in unhealthy
food
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
 factors that
damege
Correct your spelling
damage
 to children. In conclusion, I think parents should more take care of their children's mess by cooking at home and preparing
food
 for children. It not only protect your children's health but
also
improve
Change the verb form
improves
show examples
 feelings of family.
Submitted by thanhngoc on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: