IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
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In recent years, the relationship between financial health and
happiness
 has become a controversial topic. Some people believe that it is necessary to keep a check
between
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the difference in income between the richest and the poorest in
order
 to create a happy society.In
this
 essay, I will give an explanation of why I tend to partly disagree with
this
 statement.
Firstly
, wealth can bring you materialistic
happiness
 through the means of buying luxury goods.
This
 might help to relax and enjoy frivolous products.
For example
, I wanted to buy a car called the Genesis G90 which has a lot of opulent features like heated seats, ambient lighting, and fur carpeting.
Although
 buying
this
 car brought me a lot of joy, that kind of
happiness
doesn
'
t
last
 long. Materialistic
happiness
 is undoubtedly a short-term solution.
Secondly
, I would like to point out that
one
doesn
'
t
 need
money
 to find
happiness
, there are other long-term measures of
happiness
 that
doesn'
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
t
 require a person to be vastly wealthy.
For Example
, I adopted a baby Golden Retriever three years ago and
one
 cannot put a price on the amount of
happiness
 and love he has brought into my life.
One
 might argue that you need
money
 in
order
 to adopt an animal, but the fact is you don'
t
 need to be extremely rich in
order
 to do so. In my opinion, even if you need some
money
 to attain
happiness
 in your life,
one
doesn
'
t
 need an exorbitant amount of
money
 to achieve
happiness
.
Therefore
 we might not need to target to be wealthy in
order
 to attain a content life.
Submitted by akky638 on

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Task Achievement
The essay provides a clear response to the prompt and presents arguments both in agreement and disagreement with the statement. Make sure to address all parts of the prompt in a more structured manner to improve task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a good logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Ensure that the transition between paragraphs is smoother for better coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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