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Band 5.5

Nowadays more and more children acquire unhealthy eating habits. Why is it happening? What can be done to solve this issue?

#children #habits
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In
this
 fast-moving world, no one has time to perform their
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 activities like washing or cooking. We are dependent on fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 and machines that make our lives easier. Unfortunately,
this
 dependence has several negative consequences. Fast
foods
,
for example
, affect our health.
Children
 are particularly vulnerable to
this
 threat. In
this
 essay, I will analyse the various factors that contribute to unhealthy eating habits among
children
. We now live in a career-centric world. Everyone wants to be a super achiever. In many
families
Add a comma
families,
show examples
 both
parents
 work.
While
 there are some advantages to
this
 arrangement, it has several disadvantages as well. When dad and mom work, neither will have time to cook proper meals for their
children
. Since fast
foods
 eliminate the need to cook, they simply grab packets of them from the supermarket shelves. They don’t understand the health consequences of their action. Fast-
food
food
 giants are spending millions of dollars on advertising and marketing. Many of these
ads
 specifically target
children
. Their
ads
 present their
foods
 as healthy and delicious. Neither the
parents
 nor the
children
 see the real picture. There are solutions to
this
 problem. The first one, of course, is to cook delicious and healthy
food
 at home. If
this
 is not possible because of time constraints,
parents
 should consider hiring domestic help to take care of the cooking. The government should
also
 formulate laws that prevent
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
 giants from airing their
ads
 on channels meant for
children
. If kids do not see the
ads
of
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for
show examples
 these products, they are unlikely to want them.
To conclude
, it is necessary to protect our kids from health problems.
This
 will not be possible if
parents
, the government and
food
 companies do not make a concerted effort.
Submitted by Neel Patel on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main idea of the essay. Also, strengthen the introduction and conclusion by summarizing the main points and emphasizing the importance of the issue.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic well and provided relevant examples to support your points. Make sure to fully develop all ideas and consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your arguments further.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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