IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
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The social imbalance has existed since the inception of human beings. Many believe that a minimum difference in
salaries
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
wealthy
Correct article usage
the wealthy
show examples
 and
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 is indispensable for a peaceful society.
However
Linking Words
, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 argument and urge that the
salaries
Use synonyms
 should be
according to
Linking Words
 the
responsibilities
Use synonyms
, levels and types of
work
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, providing nearly equal
salaries
Use synonyms
 to everyone can lead to the irresponsible behaviour of the youth in obtaining an education.
This
Linking Words
 is because the enthusiasm to learn and study will decay if ultimately everyone will be going to have nearly the same
salaries
Use synonyms
 in the future.
As a consequence
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, the number of quality graduates will decline
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
resulting in a substantial decrease in research and development. To illustrate, in 2018, a poll by the UK Government
resulted
Verb problem
showed
show examples
 that 91% the university and college students go through rigorous studies and research only to get a job in future that offers a competitive salary.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the balance in wealth among the people might affect the mental health of the people who usually have
difficult
Correct quantifier usage
more difficult
show examples
work
Use synonyms
responsibilities
Use synonyms
 than others, as they will be working harder for the almost same money that everyone will be going to get.
Similarly
Linking Words
, most of the people for whom
work
Use synonyms
responsibilities
Use synonyms
 are relaxed, will not care to
work
Use synonyms
 harder if they get almost the same
salaries
Use synonyms
 on their promotions.
For Example
Linking Words
, if the CEO and a clerk of the same company earn $600 a month, the clerk of that company might never care to
work
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 harder for the promotion, and the CEO may stop working tirelessly for not earning enough money against his
responsibilities
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, providing equal
salaries
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 may contribute to happiness in society,
its
Correct word choice
but its
show examples
 disadvantages outweigh the advantages as
this
Linking Words
 social balance will discourage most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers
to study
Change preposition
from studying
show examples
 with commitment and professionals
to
Change preposition
from working
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 harder.
Submitted by shahneel.siddiqui on

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task response
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant examples. However, ensure to address all parts of the prompt in your response for a more complete task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good coherence and cohesion with a logical flow of ideas. Ensure to maintain consistency in connecting your ideas throughout the essay for better cohesion.
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