IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
The social imbalance has existed since the inception of human beings. Many believe that a minimum difference in
salaries
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
wealthy
Correct article usage
the wealthy
show examples
 and
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 is indispensable for a peaceful society.
However
, I completely disagree with
this
 argument and urge that the
salaries
 should be
according to
 the
responsibilities
, levels and types of
work
.
To begin
 with, providing nearly equal
salaries
 to everyone can lead to the irresponsible behaviour of the youth in obtaining an education.
This
 is because the enthusiasm to learn and study will decay if ultimately everyone will be going to have nearly the same
salaries
 in the future.
As a consequence
, the number of quality graduates will decline
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
resulting in a substantial decrease in research and development. To illustrate, in 2018, a poll by the UK Government
resulted
Verb problem
showed
show examples
 that 91% the university and college students go through rigorous studies and research only to get a job in future that offers a competitive salary.
Moreover
, the balance in wealth among the people might affect the mental health of the people who usually have
difficult
Correct quantifier usage
more difficult
show examples
work
responsibilities
 than others, as they will be working harder for the almost same money that everyone will be going to get.
Similarly
, most of the people for whom
work
responsibilities
 are relaxed, will not care to
work
 harder if they get almost the same
salaries
 on their promotions.
For Example
, if the CEO and a clerk of the same company earn $600 a month, the clerk of that company might never care to
work
 harder for the promotion, and the CEO may stop working tirelessly for not earning enough money against his
responsibilities
. In conclusion, providing equal
salaries
 may contribute to happiness in society,
its
Correct word choice
but its
show examples
 disadvantages outweigh the advantages as
this
 social balance will discourage most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers
to study
Change preposition
from studying
show examples
 with commitment and professionals
to
Change preposition
from working
show examples
work
 harder.
Submitted by shahneel.siddiqui on

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Your essay demonstrates good coherence and cohesion with a logical flow of ideas. Ensure to maintain consistency in connecting your ideas throughout the essay for better cohesion.

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