IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this. To what extent do you agree?

#prevention #health #illness #treatment #medicine #government
It is often argued that avoidance of the
health
 issues
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
w
Add an article
a
show examples
hole lot better than
treatment
 of it,
hence
 the ministry will need to allocate a desirable amount of budget for it. I completely agree that the
government
 should take full responsibility for the
health
 care system by providing
l
Change the article
a
show examples
arge amount of money for preventing diseases.
Firstly
, the
government
 need to spend more money for promoting awareness campaign for
disease
Change the noun form
diseases
show examples
such
 as cancer and HIV, as these diseases mainly infect a person body by their bad habits or bad lifestyle or consuming products like
c
Add an article
a
show examples
igarette. For instances, if the
government
 will ban tobacco products and give awareness to the public about their deadly life-threatening effects, it will simply
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 better healthy lifestyle.
Secondly
, the
government
 needs to boost their
health
 care system by constructing more and more hospitals and even provide better food and water supply to the society so that it helps them for prevention of disease like malaria, dengue. These diseases originally
generate
Change the form of the verb
generated
show examples
 from the water supply of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society. For instances, 20
year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
 ago, Vietnam country is hugely infected by
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
malaria and even so
treatment
 is
also
 very costly at that time, so to overcome that crisis, their
government
 mainly focused on the prevention of
the
Change the article
apply
show examples
malaria rather than
treatment
 which actually cost them half as compare to the
treatment
. In conclusion, I strongly recommend that
government
 should take the responsibility to manage their
health
 system so they need to provide more awareness campaign about healthy lifestyle and take appropriate steps for preventing
any
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 diseases in their country.
Submitted by sunil4756 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: