IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Advertising influences people to buy thing such as clothes and shoes. What are the problems caused by that? What solutions can be given?

Advertising is a key part of modern business. It is the common statement that adverts aim to persuade the common man to buy things like clothes and accessories.
This
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 might
cause
Verb problem
have
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 a negative impact on society.
However
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,
this
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 essay sorts out some of the problems and remedies for the situation. First and foremost, advertising manipulates people which would eventually lead to purchasing the
products
Use synonyms
 and
feels
Wrong verb form
feeling
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 that it would make them happy.
Moreover
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, the advertisers
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
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 on selling a brand image on the market
were
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and were
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 encouraged to associate certain brands with a higher status.
For example
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, wearing a shirt of a famous brand named 'Otto', feels the person who has a higher reputation in society.
In addition
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,
children
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 can easily be influenced by advertisements
where
Correct word choice
that
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 put pressure on parents to buy them unnecessary kinds of stuff.
On the other hand
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, advertising should be regulated. In some countries, it was illegal to advertise negative adverts of bad
products
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 which affect the people badly. The adverts which are aimed at
children
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 should be regulated or even banned in order to avoid selling
of
Change preposition
apply
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unnecessary
products
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 which might harm the
children
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.
For instance
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, changing the
mind
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minds
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 of
children
Use synonyms
 by teaching them to buy needy
products
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 other than unwanted things to plan
accordingly
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 in the
coming
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apply
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near future.
Additionally
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,
concern
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concerned
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 authorities should take
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
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 to avoid future problems related to harmful advertisements. In conclusion, advertising is necessary for free-market economics which creates demand for the goods.
However
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, governments should only censor false information or
products
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 that are harmful to
community
Add an article
the community
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 and
warning
Fix the agreement mistake
warnings
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 might be displayed on the unhealthy goods.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a coherent structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, there are places where the logic of your arguments could be improved for better coherence.
task achievement
You have presented relevant and specific examples to support your points. To improve your score in this criterion, ensure that you fully address the prompt and provide a more comprehensive response, considering all aspects of the issue.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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