IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Using money for all 65-year old people would be good use for government teaching computer skill. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#money #-year #people #government #computer #skill
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With the recent technological developments
such
Linking Words
 as computers and the Internet, our
lives
Use synonyms
 have changed dramatically including
senior
Correct article usage
the senior
show examples
 generation.
Although
Linking Words
 there are a couple of benefits of teaching
computer
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 for elderly
people
Use synonyms
, I insist that spending the
government
Use synonyms
's money for them to teach
computer
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
. It is true that there are some benefits to teaching
computer
Use synonyms
 skills
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 seniors. One main advantage of
this
Linking Words
 is that they have more
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
show examples
 in their daily
lives
Use synonyms
. If elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can use the internet, their
lives
Use synonyms
 become convenient because they can easily access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
purchase objects
as well as
Linking Words
 find communities.
For example
Linking Words
, my grandfather who has a gait problem used to go shopping
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 actual stores but after acquiring internet
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
, he
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 buy whatever he
wants
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
 even
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 heavy products like water.
However
Linking Words
, I believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should use its budget
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 other important
use
Fix the agreement mistake
uses
show examples
 rather than teaching
computer
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 seniors. As
Add an article
an aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 are more likely to suffer from diseases
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes and cancer. It is vital to treat these physical difficulties
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 receiving some help from public money because the cost of treatment is extremely expensive.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if seniors cannot afford to pay the treatment fee, they cannot get enough treatment and if it is the worst they lose their
lives
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 it is true that some elderly
people
Use synonyms
 benefit from
computer
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 from the
government
Use synonyms
, I claim that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend money on medical
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 because
this
Linking Words
 is more financially helpful for all of the senior citizens.
Submitted by aiko.miyazaki123 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task well, presenting a clear stance on the issue and offering reasonable arguments to support your view. However, consider further developing your points to provide a more balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be done by using linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, consider adding more depth to the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed and reinforcing your stance.
task achievement
Provide additional details and expand on your examples to make your arguments more compelling and comprehensive. This will demonstrate your ability to handle complex ideas effectively.
structure
You have a clear introduction that sets the stage for your argument and a conclusion that summarizes your main points.
task achievement
You provided a relevant example about your grandfather, which strengthens your argument and illustrates your point effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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