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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Essay topics: As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree

In the advancement of technology,It brings us more ways of enjoyment
such
Linking Words
 as the
computer
Use synonyms
 and television are one of them.
Today
Check wording
Today's
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 era people are becoming more and more dependent on
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
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 electronic equipment.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 leads them to an unhealthy lifestyle.I fully agree with the above notion.In
this
Linking Words
 essay,I will
spread
Verb problem
shed
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shadow
Check wording
light
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 on the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 of electronic devices on humans in the following paragraphs. First of all,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 the modern world
these
Punctuation problem
, these
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 inventions devices like,television and the
computer
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
, playing
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playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 a vital role in
hectic
Correct article usage
a hectic
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 lifestyle.
Whereas
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 it is a stress buster for many communities.But it
also
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 has an opposite side
,
Punctuation problem
.
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For example
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,
week
Use the right word
weak
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 health
,
Punctuation problem
.
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 People who spend most of the time watching
tv
Use the right word
TV
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 or
Use synonyms
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
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 have very
week
Use the right word
weak
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eye site
Use the right word
eyesight
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.
Moreover
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, when we watch it for a longer
period
Punctuation problem
period,
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 it
also
Linking Words
 creates a lot of mental stress.
Secondly
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,
It
Verb problem
it is
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also
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 one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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of
Change preposition
for
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 obesity among
the
Correct article usage
apply
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teenagers in developed countries like America,
Newzealand
Check wording
Zealand
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to
Punctuation problem
. To
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 illustrate that,
according to
Linking Words
NZ
Correct article usage
the NZ
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heralds
Fix the agreement mistake
Herald
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 newspaper in Newzealand 70% of teenagers are suffering from obesity because they consume a lot of junk food and their outside activities are
zeros
Use the right word
zero
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.They eat food and watch movies or play video games on the
computer
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
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,it
also
Linking Words
effects
Use the right word
affects
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on
Change preposition
apply
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our social relations.
For instance
Linking Words
,people who go out participate in outside games have better relationships with their friends or family
as compare
Change preposition
compared
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 to
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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glued
Verb problem
are glued
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 to screens. In conclusion,I admit that it has many advantages
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 if we use anything
overuse
Punctuation problem
overuse,
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 that thing becomes a curse
instead
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 of
Correct article usage
a blessings
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blessings
Fix the agreement mistake
blessing
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.So it is our responsibility to
make
Verb problem
strike
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 a balance in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
we
Fix capitalization
We
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 can
also
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 use them to educate us
instead
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 of just wasting time on unwanted things.

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planning
Plan your answer before you write. Make a short plan with main ideas.
structure
Put one main idea in each paragraph and start with a topic sentence.
coherence
Use clear linking words so ideas join well.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling. Use simple, correct forms.
content
Give real, simple examples and keep facts true.
stance
Your view is clear: you agree with the idea.
content
You give more than one point to support your view.
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