IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Do you Agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money ? Give reasons for your answer

#celebrities #money
Star people
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 cinema, movies etcetera gain a lot of wages. From my perspective,
this
 proposition is completely true. To become a celebrity one has to work hard more.
As a consequence
, he has to engage
various
Change preposition
in various
show examples
 types of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 will be arranged in a systematic way.
In addition
, to be a rockstar, one must apprehend folks'
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 so that he can be a popular person.
Thus
, an actor or actress who is experienced in his
life
,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to take
descent
Correct your spelling
decent
show examples
 risks in his
life
 where he cannot lead a normal
life
 sometimes.
However
, some individuals think there are many who are not filmstar but they are very vital for society.
For instance
, a rockstar can cheer all persons'
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 but a doctor or engineer can sacrifice their lives for the welfare of the people.
Moreover
,
filmstar has
Wrong verb form
film stars have
show examples
 to be harassed in some cases where they can
also
 endure it. They have to show any film performances where the areas are restricted.
As a result
, he has to leave his personal
life
 where he cannot do anything
what
Change the word
that
show examples
 he wants.
On the contrary
, physicians and technical persons
also
 have to engage
any
Change preposition
in any
show examples
 task simultaneously and they
have
Add a missing verb
do have
show examples
 not any additional period where they can enjoy their lives.
For example
, actors
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 to stitch their tasks so that they can be popular. But doctors and engineers are very effective
to do
Change preposition
in doing
show examples
 any
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 for their society. In conclusion, actors who are in the film should be paid high salaries.
However
,
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 professional persons are not deprived of getting high money.
Submitted by Sadiq on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve the organization of your essay to ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that you fully address the task prompt and provide relevant and specific examples to support your points.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: