IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that parents have the most important role in child’s development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both of view and give your opinion.

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Currently, there is a prevailing belief that
parents
Use synonyms
 play a pivotal role in shaping a child's development as they grow older.
However
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, an opposing viewpoint exists, suggesting that external factors
such
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 as television and friends exert a more profound
influence
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.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives and present my own opinion.
To begin
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 with, the majority of
children
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 are raised under the
influence
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 of their
parents
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.
Children
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 often look up to their
parents
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 and tend to emulate their behaviours rather than form individual opinions.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 are naturally inclined to seek guidance and inspiration from older individuals.
While
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parents
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 may not actively teach their
children
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 positive habits, their presence and actions hold significant importance.
For instance
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, a study revealed that a significant percentage of students in developed countries responded positively to their
parents
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' affection.
On the other hand
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, in many developing nations, modern technology
such
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 as television and peer relationships heavily impact
children
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. These influences sometimes lead to negative outcomes, as some
children
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 may resist parental guidance when it conflicts with the
influence
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 of technology or friends.
For example
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, exposure to crime-related content on television can result in
children
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 becoming more familiar with legal concepts, which may not align with their
parents
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' values or expectations. In conclusion,
while
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 some argue that parental role
modeling
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modelling
show examples
 plays a crucial part in a child's development
due to
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 the inherent
influence
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 of
parents
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 as role models, others contend that advancements in technology have led to a shift in
influence
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 towards external sources. I believe that the extent of
influence
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, whether from
parents
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 or external factors, largely depends on the individual's environment and the values instilled within that environment

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task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both views but can enhance the depth of analysis. Including more specific examples and elaborating on them will strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader. Additionally, smoother transitions between ideas and sections can make the essay flow more fluidly.
task achievement
The essay effectively introduces both viewpoints and presents a clear opinion in the conclusion, which is a strong aspect of task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. This showcases good organizational skills.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • initial influence
  • learning environment
  • essential life skills
  • instill morals and manners
  • external factors
  • introduce to a variety of cultures
  • social skills
  • monitor the content
  • maintain a central role
  • exposure to different ideas
  • complement parental teaching
  • broader understanding
  • critical thinking skills
  • foundational groundwork
  • prominent influence
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