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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for students, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion..

#people #sport #part #school #life #students
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It is understandable that there are some arguments about allocating physical education in schools. As I see it, there are more benefits when pupils
take
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apply
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participate in
sports
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activities
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 in
school
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. First of all, it is obvious that there are some drawbacks when it comes to sporty times in
school
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. One of them is losing opportunities that
students
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 can learn more academic things
such
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 as science, English and mathematics.
This
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 is because it is inevitable if we set a
sports
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 event in the
school
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's normal curriculums in advance, we should cut down the classes of other subjects. To illustrate more, some ambitious
students
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those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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who are eager to study more would disagree
doing
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with doing
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sports
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event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
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.
As a result
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, their
overall
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disatistisfaction
Correct your spelling
dissatisfaction
 with
school
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 life might be severe as time goes by. Another disadvantage is that there is a likelihood that
students
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 can be injured
due to
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 active actions in physical education. It is natural that young pupils are not accustomed to the athletic rules yet, which makes them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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hurt in the end.
Furthermore
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, because usually immature
students
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could
Wrong verb form
can
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 be
sometimes
Rephrase
apply
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too emotional and lose their control during
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports
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game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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, obsessed with their desire that they do want to win.
However
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, there are
also
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 some advantages that we can't deny about
sports
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activities
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 in
school
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. One of them is that they can improve a student's physical strength. In general, loads of
students
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 have sedentary lives
due to
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 their lots of academic classes or other assignments.
Therefore
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, it
must
Verb problem
would
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 be helpful if they
can
Wrong verb form
could
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 attend physically active classes periodically in
school
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. What's more, once
students
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 are used to playing
sports
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activities
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 in their
school
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 when they are underminers, they would
also
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 tend to
take
Verb problem
apply
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participate in physical
activities
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 even after they graduate.
This
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 means the physical actions they did in
school
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 could be one of the best motivations why they do sporty
activities
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 after they are fully
grown-up
Correct your spelling
grown up
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.
To sum up
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, since the benefits of making
students
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 attend physical
activities
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 in
school
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 outweigh the disadvantages,
sports
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activities
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 should be done as crucial parts of the curriculum in schools.
Submitted by ggg on

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task response
Your essay addresses both views on the topic, but the argumentation could be more balanced. Consider addressing the opposing view more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, and your ideas are presented in a logical order. Work on using more cohesive devices to connect your ideas and improve the overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • integral component
  • promote teamwork
  • healthy lifestyle
  • mandatory
  • talents and interests
  • cognitive functions
  • academic performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • physical constraints
  • medical conditions
  • engagement
  • skills development
  • precedence
  • future opportunities
  • balanced approach
  • individual preferences
  • physical education
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