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Band 4.5

Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define and what factors contribute to achieving happiness?

#happiness #life #factors
It is of
great
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the great
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 worth of
discuss
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discussing
show examples
 whether or not in many countries,
traditions
 and
customs
 are disappearing. The answer to
this
 question can vary depending on each individual’s perspective. As far as I am concerned, we should keep our
traditions
 because of several reasons.
First
 of all, lots of
students
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days are not interested in our
customs
 and
tradition
Replace the word
traditional
show examples
cultures
. It is a proven fact that a considerable amount of time is wasted due to
huge
Correct article usage
the huge
show examples
 workloads they need to study. For
this
 reason,
students
 do not have enough time to have
experience
 of
traditions
 and
cultures
.
For example
, one of my foreign friends studying in a university has
hectic
Add an article
a hectic
show examples
 schedule
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every week, so it does not allow him to be exposed
our
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to our
show examples
customs
. I suppose that
university
Add an article
the university
show examples
 should include
like
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apply
show examples
history classes so that they can access
traditions
 enough.
Second
, having
experience
traditions
 enables
students
 to widen their perspective. While involving in
such
 taking in cultural classes they can familiar with
customs
 that they have not experienced.
This
 leads people to understand
worth
Add an article
the worth
show examples
 of
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
cultures
 and widen their view. In my case, I had
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
time to introduce
about
Verify preposition usage
apply
show examples
my
cultures
 to
students
came
Add a pronoun
who came
show examples
 from
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
.
However
, I couldn’t let them know because of my less
experience
. They need to pay more attention to prevent disappearing.
Students
 should be given
many
Correct your spelling
any
show examples
opportunity
Change to a plural noun
opportunities
show examples
 to
experience
 since they
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
child
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a child
show examples
. To summarize what I mentioned above I am for the notion that it is necessary for us to make an effort in order to protect and
further
 develop our
customs
 and
traditions
. Not school and parent but individuals should be concerned own
culures
Correct your spelling
cultures
culture
.
Submitted by dudgnsqufaud on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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