IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that government should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individual should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reasons for your answer

#people #government #care #support #years #fund #retirement
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Although
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 some agree that it is the responsibility of the
government
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 to take
care
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 of older
people
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 and
support
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 them when they retire, others believe that a retired
person
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 must save enough while working to fund their
retirement
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. I agree with the latter view, as it would be beneficial for both the
government
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 as well as the young population. On the one hand, it is thought that an individual should
support
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 himself or herself at the time of
retirement
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 from its saving because it would be beneficial for the higher authorities. In many nations, the
government
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 needs to make some provision from its budget for
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elderly retired
people
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 in order to take
care
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 of them. If the retired
person
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 has their own saving so as to
support
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 him or her after
retirement
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, there will be less burden on the
government
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 for taking
care
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 of the retired individual.
Moreover
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, the higher authorities would concentrate more on other important aspects for the development of its nation
such
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 as the construction of roads, dams, bridges, hospitals and schools.
Thus
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, for the benefits of governments, one retired
person
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 must
support
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 himself or herself after
retirement
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.
On the other hand
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, funding for its
retirement
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 from the saving of fund during working by an individual would bring benefits to the youth. To elaborate, in developing countries the higher authorities charge higher
income
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tax
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 rates to their citizens than those in developed countries.
Therefore
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, each individual has to pay more
income
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tax
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 from its earning in order to
support
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 the retired
people
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.
In contrast
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, if elderly retired
people
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 supported themselves from their saving after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
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, the younger population would be paying less
income
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tax
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 from their savings as the
government
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 would not be taking
care
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 of the retired
people
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.
Hence
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, the retired
people
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 must
support
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 themselves from their saving. In conclusion, if an older-retired
person
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 supports from its saving after
retirement
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, not only will there be less burden on the
government
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 for taking
care
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 of them, but
also
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 the youth will be less
income
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tax
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 from its salary for supporting them.
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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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