IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Sport is one of the most popular draws on television today. Some people argue that the practice of showing sport on television is to blame for the poor health of the young generation by encouraging them to watch rather than partake in physical activity. To what extent do you agree with this view?

#sport #television #people #practice #health #generation #activity
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With the advancement in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology, the
health
 of people is deteriorating
daybyday
Correct your spelling
day-by-day
day by day
.
One
of
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apply
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such
 device is
television
Correct article usage
the television
show examples
. A section of the society believes that broadcasting of
sports
 events which is
one
 of the most famous
programme
Change to a plural noun
programmes
show examples
 on
television
 is the main reason for the poor
health
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
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 amongst
the
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apply
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youngsters
. It results
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 motivating them to watch
instead
 of taking part in the physical exercise. I agree with the given notion but there are some other factors which
contributes
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contribute
show examples
 to
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
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health
 of
youngsters
. The
sports
 channels are becoming popular
since
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
last
 decade as the numbers of
sports
 channels has risen drastically as well as they are showing
the
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apply
show examples
sports
 events 24*7. Due to
this
, the
youngsters
keeps
Change the verb form
keep
show examples
 watching the
television
 while sitting or lying which results
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity and high risks of heart diseases.
Furthermore
, they become lazy and inactive. Watching
television
 continuously for long hours
also
 has a harmful effect on the eyesight of individuals.
As per the
Change preposition
The
show examples
 research conducted by The New York Times revealed that seven out of ten
youngsters
 had spectacles who were watching
television
 continuously for two hours.
On the other hand
, nowadays
youngsters
 are more inclined to eat junk food and aerated drinks.
Consequently
Add a comma
,Consequently
show examples
 it has
also
 affected the fitness of the young generations.
Moreover
, parents are giving much importance to focus on the study rather than indulging
Change preposition
in
show examples
into
Correct your spelling
in to
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participate
Change the verb form
participating
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports
.
This
 is
one
 of the crucial
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 behind the poor
health
 of young people. It directly has a negative impact on the minds of
youngsters
.
For instance
,
one
 of our
cousin
Change to a plural noun
cousins
show examples
 has gone into depression because of excessive pressure to study from his parents. In conclusion, I believe that parents should encourage children to take part in physical activities and
also
 motivate them by making some
sports
 person their role model as well as allowing them to watch
television
 for
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
show examples
 time
Submitted by ieltsspeaking760 on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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