Sport is one of the most popular draws on television today. Some people argue that the practice of showing sport on television is to blame for the poor health of the young generation by encouraging them to watch rather than partake in physical activity. To what extent do you agree with this view?

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With the advancement in
the
Correct article usage
apply

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technology, the
health
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of people is deteriorating
daybyday
Correct your spelling
day-by-day
day by day

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.
One
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of
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such
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device is
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Use synonyms
television
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the television

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. A section of the society believes that broadcasting of
sports
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events which is
one
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of the most famous
programme
Change to a plural noun
programmes

The singular countable noun programme follows the quantifier one, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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on
television
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is the main reason for the poor
health
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especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter especially amongst the youngsters. Consider adding the comma(s).

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amongst
the
Remove the article
apply

It appears that the is unnecessary in this context. Consider removing it.

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youngsters
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. It results
into
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in

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motivating them to watch
instead
Linking Words

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of taking part in the physical exercise. I agree with the given notion but there are some other factors which
contributes
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contribute

The singular verb contributes does not appear to agree with the plural subject some other factors. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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to
poor
Correct article usage
the poor

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health
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of
youngsters
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. The
sports
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channels are becoming popular
since
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in

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the
last
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

decade as the numbers of
sports
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channels has risen drastically as well as they are showing
the
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apply

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sports
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

events 24*7. Due to
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the
youngsters
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

keeps
Change the verb form
keep

The verb keeps does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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watching the
television
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

while sitting or lying which results
into
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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obesity and high risks of heart diseases.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they become lazy and inactive. Watching
television
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

continuously for long hours
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

has a harmful effect on the eyesight of individuals.
As per the
Change preposition
The

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research conducted by The New York Times revealed that seven out of ten
youngsters
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had spectacles who were watching
television
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continuously for two hours.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, nowadays
youngsters
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

are more inclined to eat junk food and aerated drinks.
Linking Words
Linking Words
Consequently
Add a comma
,Consequently

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase Consequently. Consider adding a comma.

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it has
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

affected the fitness of the young generations.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, parents are giving much importance to focus on the study rather than indulging
Change preposition
in
show examples
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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into
Correct your spelling
in to
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participate
Change the verb form
participating

The verb participate may be in the wrong form after the preposition into. Consider changing it to the gerund form.

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in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

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sports
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of the crucial
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors

The singular countable noun factor follows the quantifier one of, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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behind the poor
health
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of young people. It directly has a negative impact on the minds of
youngsters
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of our
cousin
Change to a plural noun
cousins

The singular countable noun cousin follows the quantifier one of, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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has gone into depression because of excessive pressure to study from his parents. In conclusion, I believe that parents should encourage children to take part in physical activities and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

motivate them by making some
sports
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

person their role model as well as allowing them to watch
television
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

for
limited
Correct article usage
a limited

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

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time

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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