IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sport is one of the most popular draws on television today. Some people argue that the practice of showing sport on television is to blame for the poor health of the young generation by encouraging them to watch rather than partake in physical activity. To what extent do you agree with this view?

#sport #television #people #practice #health #generation #activity
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With the advancement in technology, the health of people is deteriorating
day-by-day
Correct your spelling
day by day
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. One
such
 device is the television. A section of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society believes that broadcasting
of
Change preposition
apply
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athletics events which is one of the most famous programmes on a TV set is the main reason for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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poor well-being ,especially
amongst
Change preposition
among
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters. It results in motivating them to watch
instead
 of taking part in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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physical exercise. I agree with the given notion but there are some other factors that contribute to the poor health of a teenager.
The sports
Correct article usage
Sports
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 channels
are
Verb problem
have
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becoming
Wrong verb form
become
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 popular in the
last
 decade as the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of game channels has risen drastically
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
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 they are showing fun events 24*7.
Due to
this
, the youngsters keep watching the set
while
 sitting or lying which results in obesity and high risks of heart diseases.
Furthermore
, they become lazy and inactive. Watching the small screen continuously for long hours
also
 has a harmful effect on the eyesight of individuals. The research conducted by The New York Times revealed that seven out of ten teenagers had spectacles who were watching TV set continuously for two hours.
On the other hand
, nowadays teenagers are more inclined to eat junk food and aerated drinks,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 has
also
 affected the fitness of the
young
Correct word choice
younger
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 generations.
Moreover
, parents are giving
much
Correct quantifier usage
more
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 importance to
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
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 on the study rather than indulging in participating in athletics.
This
 is the crucial factor behind the poor health of young people. It directly has a negative impact on the minds of youngsters.
For instance
, one of our cousins has gone into depression because of excessive pressure to study from his parents. In conclusion, I believe that parents should encourage children to take part in physical activities and
also
 motivate them by making some
athletics
Replace the word
athletic
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 person their role model
as well as
 allowing them to watch the video for a limited time.
Submitted by ieltsspeaking760 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are strong and clearly stated. Summarize the main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments. Make sure to address all aspects of the prompt in greater detail.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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