IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. government funding should reflect this. to what extent do you agree?

#prevention #health #illness #treatment #medicine #government
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The amount of
money
Use synonyms
 spent on
health
Use synonyms
 illnesses is a major concern in every country. Government fundings are more oriented on treatments and drugs
instead
Linking Words
 of trying to prevent them. I agree with the fact that more funds should be directed on disease prevention but
also
Linking Words
 investing in more effective drug therapies is necessary.
Fristly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
First
, it is better to prevent than cure, in
fact
Add a comma
,fact
show examples
 one of the main reasons why a lot of funding are spent on treatments is that there is not a serious plan on how to prevent them.
For example
Linking Words
, many chronic diseases are caused by a poor lifestyle. In
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 the majority of the population eat junk food and they live
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 life, the two major causes of chronic illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, cardiovascular problems and obesity.
Instead
Linking Words
 of trying to cure these pathologies with
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
 cost and few results, it would be better to invest more
money
Use synonyms
 teaching people what to eat, explaining
them
Change preposition
to them
show examples
 that do some sort of exercise on a daily basis will avoid the aforementioned
health
Use synonyms
 conditions in the future.
Therefore
Linking Words
 a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 can be saved and potentially be invested
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improving the lifestyle.
Secondly
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that scientist and researchers with the help of new technologies will lead to new discoveries on drug effectiveness.
For instance
Linking Words
, the main goal should not be to just produce more medicine and be able to cure more people but
instead
Linking Words
, trying to create new therapies that are more effective and less expensive.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of pills each person need will be drastically reduced but at the same
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 it won't affect the efficacy of the drug itself.
Thus
Linking Words
, a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 can be saved with
this
Linking Words
 process and potentially be reinvested in more
reasearch
Correct your spelling
research
. In conclusion, global
health
Use synonyms
 issues are more and more increasing all around the world and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 prefer to invest in medicine rather than trying to prevent diseases. I believe that reducing the number of people that need medicine is the best way to save
money
Use synonyms
 and increase the overall
health
Use synonyms
 within the population, and
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 focusing on more effective
treaments
Correct your spelling
treatments
.
Submitted by manfredireale on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: