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Band 5.5

Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #hapinness #happiness
It is true that money plays an indispensable role in every individual's
life
, which helps them find
hapinness
Correct your spelling
happiness
 and merriment. In my opinion, people cannot remain in a happy state without money, as
life
 becomes quite challenging without it.
Furthermore
, having peace and sublime health are the two aspects
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 a
person
 live with merriment.
To begin
 with, being financially stable is of paramount importance because without it human living becomes quite burdensome. The reason for
this
 is that without finances carrying out menial tasks,
such
 as doing groceries, buying clothes, paying bills and so on, becomes immensely tedious for an individual.
As a result
, citizens
starts
Change the verb form
start
show examples
 relying on relatives and parents for financial aid.
Furthermore
, if being contingent on family and friends continue for longer periods, a
person
 may eventually lose their identity and begin to have suicidal thoughts.
For instance
, it was recently reported in
Times
Correct article usage
the Times
show examples
 of India newspaper that a doctor, who was the sole
breadearner
Correct your spelling
bread earner
bread-earner
 of his family, attempted suicide after failing to provide monetary support to his wife and children. There are,
however
, two aspects
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are considered to be a blessing and
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 immense mirth and gratification
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a
person
Replace the word
personal
show examples
 existence. The
first
one
 is health, if a
person
 is healthy, they can easily overcome any obstacles they face during their lifetime.
However
, being sick or handicap may deprive them of leading a normal lifestyle. Another
one
 is peace, there are many underprivileged
family
Change to a plural noun
families
show examples
 who can barely afford
one time
Add a hyphen
one-time
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 meal, but
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 leading a peaceful
life
, while there others though hail from
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
affluent families are under depression. Taking celebrities as an example, seven out of ten actors and actresses undergo rehabilitation to overcome anxiety and to find
tranquility
Change the spelling
tranquillity
show examples
. In conclusion, I believe that having money is imperative, for
one
 would not be able to act freely and every trivial
tasks
Change to a singular noun
task
show examples
becomes
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 arduous.
Moreover
, having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sound health and
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
show examples
life
 brings abundance satisfaction to human beings.
Submitted by ieltsspeaking760 on

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