Some people think money is one of the most essential factors in promoting hapinness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #hapinness #happiness

It is true that money plays an indispensable role in every individual's

life

, which helps them find

hapinness

Correct your spelling

happiness

and merriment. In my opinion, people cannot remain in a happy state without money, as

life

becomes quite challenging without it.

Furthermore

, having peace and sublime health are the two aspects

which

Correct pronoun usage

that

show examples

makes

Change the verb form

make

show examples

person

live with merriment.

To begin

with, being financially stable is of paramount importance because without it human living becomes quite burdensome. The reason for

this

is that without finances carrying out menial tasks,

such

as doing groceries, buying clothes, paying bills and so on, becomes immensely tedious for an individual.

As a result

, citizens

starts

Change the verb form

start

show examples

relying on relatives and parents for financial aid.

Furthermore

, if being contingent on family and friends continue for longer periods, a

person

may eventually lose their identity and begin to have suicidal thoughts.

For instance

, it was recently reported in

Times

Correct article usage

the Times

show examples

of India newspaper that a doctor, who was the sole

breadearner

Correct your spelling

bread earner

bread-earner

of his family, attempted suicide after failing to provide monetary support to his wife and children. There are,

however

, two aspects

which

Correct pronoun usage

that

show examples

are considered to be a blessing and

brings

Change the verb form

bring

show examples

immense mirth and gratification

Change preposition

show examples

person

Replace the word

personal

show examples

existence. The

first

one

is health, if a

person

is healthy, they can easily overcome any obstacles they face during their lifetime.

However

, being sick or handicap may deprive them of leading a normal lifestyle. Another

one

is peace, there are many underprivileged

family

Change to a plural noun

families

show examples

who can barely afford

one time

Add a hyphen

one-time

show examples

meal, but

are

Change the verb form

show examples

leading a peaceful

life

, while there others though hail from

Correct the article-noun agreement

apply

show examples

affluent families are under depression. Taking celebrities as an example, seven out of ten actors and actresses undergo rehabilitation to overcome anxiety and to find

tranquility

Change the spelling

tranquillity

show examples

. In conclusion, I believe that having money is imperative, for

one

would not be able to act freely and every trivial

tasks

Change to a singular noun

task

show examples

becomes

Change the verb form

become

show examples

arduous.

Moreover

, having

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

sound health and

peaceful

Correct article usage

a peaceful

show examples

life

brings abundance satisfaction to human beings.

Submitted by ieltsspeaking760 on Mon Apr 26 2021

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9Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
19Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

325 words

5.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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