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Band 5

Some people believe that it is the government’s responsibility to provide care and finance to support people after they retire. Others, however, think that individuals themselves should save money in their own when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion. > DISCUSS AND OPINION

#people #government’s #responsibility #care #finance #support #individuals #money
There is a strong
believe
Replace the word
belief
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 that the government ought to look after and support people while they retired.
However
, not everybody
share
Change the verb form
shares
show examples
 the same point of view and they assume that every single person is responsible for
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
his own
her own
show examples
future
. In my opinion, both groups have right,
nevertheless
, the authority should support own citizens especially after they hardly earned the
future
 pension.
Firstly
, every single country has set the length of work time, which can give a right to get the
minimal
Replace the word
minimum
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 pension.
Average
Add an article
The average
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 person works much longer than that, to get
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
 amount of
money
, which will let them afford
level
Add an article
the level
a level
show examples
 of life they used to it.
Moreover
, it would be unfair when the government could not pay back or support them when they get old. It is their responsibility to save some part of
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
 to be able
offer
Add the particle
to offer
show examples
 them to the older population.
On the other hand
, the opponents
claims
Change the verb form
claim
show examples
 that every individual
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to save
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
his own
her own
show examples
money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a separate bank account for
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
.
In addition
, they do not have any trust in the
further
 authority plans and advise to have a backup plan. I will probably listen to them because we do not know what may happen in the
next
 decade. Surprisingly, saving just 10% of our monthly wage can give a boost of
money
 available on our retirement. To sum up, I believe we should have trust in the country where we live and politics,
however
, can not boycott people who are afraid of their
future
. The current situation is extremely unstable and
noone
Correct your spelling
no one
no-one
 is able to predict and ensure the public about something
what
Change the word
that
show examples
 will be ready for them,
for instance
, in 40 years period of time.
Submitted by meforqq on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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